


unlikeable

by jenlvbug



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Engagement, Character Death, Cheating, Crimes & Criminals, Drama & Romance, Engagement, Eventual Smut, Fake Character Death, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Cheating, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Organized Crime, Past Abuse, Romance, Sex, Strangers to Lovers, side noren, side renmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:42:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenlvbug/pseuds/jenlvbug
Summary: Jaemin Na finds himself looking at the handsome man in a coma, the new quiet company staying in his brother’s hospital room. Jeno has a series of peculiar visits in his white slumber, making Jaemin realize the man’s life is not as peaceful as he looks.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	unlikeable

**Author's Note:**

> warning:
> 
> this is fiction. there are some characters in the story, most of them to be honest, who aren’t the best people. it doesn’t mean i don’t love or respect them as who they really are — i love johnny from nct, the real johnny not the one in this fic, to make it simple. i just had to choose someone to fit the character, and it happens to be him, in no way this is meant to be hateful towards the real person. 
> 
> also, i tried to make my researches about a comatose state, still something might not be as accurate, i apologize! also i’d like to remind you to check the tags if you didn’t, i want you to have a safe time reading and i’m aware some topics are heavy in this.
> 
> i think i said it all, hopefully you’ll enjoy this very different, very new and demanding thing i wrote :)

Jaemin’s life has seen for two years the daily pale lights and walls of a hospital’s room, sitting on the guest chair or wandering with a cheap coffee in hand through the corridors, waiting for his brother’s daily check ups to be done and keep him company. He’s begged his boss to work with his own laptop and not at the office for full hours, and the woman understood. 

Jaemin has an older brother fighting cancer for two years, his source of strength becoming weaker in a managed smile and colder hands holding him. He doesn’t want to leave him alone, trying not to fight in front of Jaehyun when his parents visit and they’re all in the same room. The times where they were all getting along are gone, and they force themselves to be civil for the sake of their son and Jaemin’s brother’s mental health. It’s already hard.

Jaehyun Na is usually a powerhouse of energy, always there to laugh at a good joke and it is unfair how cancer is also stealing his thirty-five year of life, the terrible news still fresh. Jaehyun is not getting any better, and Jaemin fears the hopeful words of the doctors are just thrown to waste. Jaemin doesn’t believe in anything higher than him, has parents telling him they’re sorry he’s not going to heaven, albeit those walls soaking sickness makes him pray, he doesn’t know what or who he is exactly praying to. 

That’s the first sign you show when you’re wretched.

Two months ago Jaehyun got a new roommate, the familiar nurse they see daily — Doyoung, if he remembers correctly, told him this one would be extremely quiet. And Jaemin caught the humor behind it when a man in his thirties arrived in the room, in a coma.

There was nothing wrong with it, it’s particularly sad befriending Jaehyun’s roommates. Usually most of them don’t make it, and there’s a new soul lost into these hospital walls. Jaemin never thought he’d see death so suddenly, his brother’s roommates smiling the day before to see them not wake up the next day. It’s frightening, a snap of fingers how life takes you away. Jaemin fears the same will happen to Jaehyun, without having the time to prepare himself and give his heart a break from pain to say goodbye.

Jaemin misses the new arrival's name, being at his office gathering things and meeting his boss, calling him a handsome stranger the first day he sees him. One day he asks for it as Jaehyun is in chemo and he helps Doyoung change his brother’s bedsheets, telling him the name is Jeno. 

Jaemin finds himself looking at him often when he’s faced with the sleeping body alone, mentally having to scold his own actions — he must look crazy to someone who knows he’s not a family member or someone who has any kind of real life relationship with the man. 

Jeno is handsome, even in that slumber made of a scary thin line between leaving them in an undefined amount of time or eventually waking up. Perfect features resting and almost looking detached from this reality. 

A gentle slope of a nose, thick black lashes closing his eye shape, Jaemin wonders how they look open and lively, taking in the world. He’s pale, the kind of not alive pale, but his heart still beats. Pale pink lips always closed in a line, sharp edges of his jawline. Jeno is breathtaking, and Jaehyun might have made fun of him for pointing it out once they were in the room together. It’s hard not to bring him to conversation when he’s laying right on the other side of the room.

Jaemin feels even crazier for thinking of checking, pressing a palm to the boy’s chest or taking his wrist and having certain confirmation he is in fact breathing. A life seeming temporary on standby, and he noticed Jeno stayed there for days without anyone visiting him, wondering if there’s someone part of his life who knows at all where he currently is.

He told his way too empathic brain to stop, it was never his business to start with. But Jeno set his half unconscious heart to haunt him from the start, and Jaemin keeps thinking where things started to get out of hand. How absurd it is if he says they were already fated, it’s not a coincidence Jeno ended up in that room, he’s sure of it.

It was probably around a week later since Jeno was still in his hospital bed, an evening where Jaemin came to find Jaehyun’s bed empty to do some check ups as his usual that he heard a part of it. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, Jaemin was sleeping on the chair next to Jaehyun’s bed after working on his laptop, folded arms and head heavy. He thought it would be awkward to suddenly wake up and get out the room, eyes narrowed and focusing on one man looking around his age standing next to Jeno’s bed.

The man looks youthful, dark brown hair, small plump lips and a look he can’t decipher as he holds Jeno’s pale hand, long fingers weightlessly caught in the other’s palm. Jaemin pretends to sleep, heart hammering afraid he’ll notice he’s faking it. It would be too awkward standing up now.

“Hi Jeno, it’s Renjun. If you can hear me, probably you don’t”. Renjun slides the chair to the seat next to him, and Jaemin can’t see too well but it looks like he’s removing something from Jeno’s left hand, he sees gold. A promise ring, he guesses. Jaemin feels terrible to imagine how on earth if Renjun really is Jeno’s fiance, or someone else is, they still don’t know he’s here and probably won’t wake up ever again.

Renjun leans closer, grazes Jeno’s jaw and presses his lips to his forehead. “You were never mine to start with, if we’re honest. Your little scene you caused here set you free Jeno, god only knows for how long. I’m surprised you’re still alive”.

He slightly shifts Jeno’s head to the side keeping his chin between his fingers, and Jaemin almost wants to get up and ask what he is doing, it doesn’t look like a gentle touch of a worried lover. “We had a deal, we were supposed to get married in a week. And you caged me again in this hellhole, it’s always your fault, never staying in your fucking place”.

Jaemin can’t tell if Renjun is crying or trying to contain his anger, he keeps his eyes shut and hopes he’s not breathing too hard to be noticed. He has a feeling the man is too caught up with his one way speech to notice anything else that isn’t Jeno’s motionless body.

“You took everything good I had Jeno, you’ll regret it your entire life if it gets any longer than this. I hope you don’t wake up”. 

Jaemin hears the rough sound of a chair sliding and when he opens his eyes fully, the man is gone, catches a blue suit and fancy shoes tapping the floor furiously and quickly. He is confused, and scared. You really need to despise someone and being completely out of your mind to wish they won’t wake up as they’re nearly dead already. Jaemin shivers, if he’s so affected by the man’s words he can’t imagine what Jeno must feel, if he can feel.

Jaehyun thinks he’s turning mad when he whispers the whole affair of earlier to him, afraid Jeno can hear. Jaehyun just got back from the testings, sitting cross legged and eating strawberry flavored yogurt. He gives him his familiar dimpled smile, telling him to not worry and he probably misheard it. It’s not Jaemin who should worry about this, not when he’s here for his brother.

Jaemin soon learns that people are able to reveal the scariest, deepest and most hideous parts of a human soul when you’re physically unable to move and answer back to those words filled with venom.

The second time there’s someone visiting Jeno, he is awake and folding Jaehyun’s clean clothes he took home to wash for him, about to get out of the room when another expensive looking man stops him from doing anything. His name is Mark, he introduces himself and tells Jaemin he’ll be quick, no need to worry.

Jaemin tries to not listen and give him his privacy, but it’s so hard not to when the words he hears are heavy and distracting, another angry soul ranting at him without any consequence because Jeno can’t answer. He wonders what kind of person he is outside the hospital, and his heart finds an odd peace knowing no one is truly going to do anything bad to him if he’s here in the room and generally Jeno is already in a coma. 

Mark is calmer, but his words make Jaemin feel nauseous. He doesn’t say anything he can understand well without context, but it’s still strong and leaves him unmoving as he tries to keep organizing Jaehyun’s stuff on his side of the room. Mark sits next to Jeno, hair of a dark blond color and tired eyes. He doesn’t hold Jeno’s hand, but if he thinks it better Renjun did it only to remove what looked like an engagement ring. Jaemin doesn’t have an answer to that.

No one is sure if Jeno can really hear them, so probably all the words he’s received and all the conversations between him and Jaehyun aren’t anything of matter to him.

“Donghyuck and I are adopting a baby. You thought we would crumble, don’t you? In the midst of the chaos you left behind you, there’s something good you did Jeno. No, your intentions weren’t good at all, but we love each other. There’s nothing stronger than what we have now, and you’re here”.

Mark looks up and locks eyes with Jaemin, who’s clutching Jaehyun’s shirt to his chest, can’t avoid his wide eyes and slightly terrified expression. There’s too much chaos, nothing he can put together and give it sense. 

“He’s handsome, isn’t he?”. Mark says, an ounce lower than his harsh words, glancing at Jeno. Completely still, dark lashes closed, black eyebrows unfolding in a serene expression. A face escaped from reality’s misery. Jaemin doubts Jeno would like to wake up if this is only a crumb of what goes on in his life. 

“He looks like I’d give him a second look if I met him outside of here”. Jaemin admits, relaxing the tight hold on the crumpling shirt. He sighs, he squeezed time to iron them yesterday between work, and this one is now going to stay like this. Jaehyun probably doesn’t care, wandering around the hospital in his oversized plain shirts and plaid pants at hours when he shouldn’t. Doyoung said he sometimes lets him be, sharing a talk on the benches outside, he feels for him. No one should stay for more than a week in a hospital.

“Yeah, don’t fall for it”. Mark sighs, spotting a face of grown up youth and a chin roughly shaved. He doesn’t look any older than Jaemin if he’s honest. “He’s not as angelic as he looks”.

Mark is about to leave when Jaemin stops him. It’s not his business, he’s aware but curiosity burns at the tip of his tongue now he’s found someone who seems to be friendly enough, and can help him join a small part of the crumbs he has.

“The other day someone came here, Renjun, I think”. Jaemin moves his hands nervously. “I know it shouldn't bother me but no one really came here to visit him for days, and then he did and it felt wrong, I guess. I don’t know, sorry”.

Mark seems surprised, twitching an eyebrow in confusion. “He’s… Jeno’s ex fiance, they were about to get married but life isn't kind to you when you try to complicate the ones of everyone else around you. It’s true what goes around comes around”.

“He seemed very mad at him”. Jaemin shifts uncomfortably to sit on Jaehyun’s bed, staring up at Mark.

“Jeno has made many people mad, some are less forgiving than others. Or we ignore it and move on if we can”. Mark gestures towards Jeno’s direction and the bed Jaemin is sitting on. “Look, Jaemin, is it correct?”.

Jaemin nods, staying quiet to let him continue. “I imagine you're here to comfort someone important”.

“My brother. He has cancer, two years of driving back and forth here”. Jaemin makes a sad smile and Mark rubs his face, looking tired.

“Shit, I’m sorry, that's terrible and I’m sure you and especially he is tired of hearing it, mh?”. Mark pats his shoulder. “I mean it with all good intentions, don't get involved with Jeno’s life. I know you might think we're terrible for coming here and saying the things you heard, trust us you're seeing such a small part of it. Take care of your brother, stay out of trouble Jaemin”.

“His name is Jaehyun. And I’ll keep it in mind, I understand”. Jaemin stands up, smiles softly at him. Man looks like he could use some support, maybe a hug. He looks drained of life the more he looks at him. “Congratulations to you and your husband, I suppose? For the adoption”.

“Oh”. Mark smiles genuinely, a hand combing his straight hair. “Babies are a blessing. We’re happy, I’m sure Jeno wouldn’t be supporting us, unless it is something he can use in his favor”. Mark picks up his bag, Jaemin doesn’t ask anything else.

When you’re in a hospital you drop formalities, share more intimate things you wouldn’t on daily occurrence. It’s probably because you’re exposing something that gives you pain, an unhappy story after a simple greeting, if you’re here there’s a reason. Having a sick brother is a striking example of it. It’s not how you would introduce yourself to anyone else outside of this place, it is what makes you start a conversation in a hospital. No wonder Jaehyun is sick of talking about therapy, chemo, and everything related to his hurting.

“Jaehyun is in my prayers, I wish you two a good life”.

“You’re brave, Mark. You have what I can only wish for, maybe one day”. Jaemin sighs and makes a smile, fumbling with his hands as he looks down. “It’s so damn hard to not be judged for who you are”.

They say goodbye soon after, it’s unlikely he’s going to see the man again. But Jaemin starts consuming to understand, and he can’t ignore it anymore.

He hasn’t much to do in a hospital once he’s caught up with work, so he naturally sits on the chair next to where Jeno is, and spends hours there. Jaehyun doesn’t want him to be in the oncology unit, nor keep him company during chemotherapy, sulking in his beanies to cover his shaved head when he comes back extremely weak in bed. He looks less alive each day more, and Jaemin is scared.

But when Jaehyun comes back from it completely distraught and eyes lost, that’s when Jaemin smiles the brightest and entertains him, playing card games or just saying foolish things until Jaehyun gives in and teases him, the happiest when he gets to distract him even those few minutes it takes to fall in their small banters.

Jaehyun is deep asleep on a rainy day brightening gloomy air and light inside the white blankets and sheets, Jaemin playing with his ear in fondness as he looks at him. Jaehyun’s dark circles are all over his eyes of an ill red color, chapped lips puffing warm air and in those moments Jaemin allows himself to be weak. 

It hurts, of never seeing him getting better, scraping his showing scalp with gentle strokes where once thick brown hair used to trap between his fingers. When Jaemin was sad and found comfort in his brother’s hug at home. He misses meeting up after work for a coffee, cropping a moment in their days to be together and talk, updating each other to be the brothers they couldn’t be after Jaemin came out to their parents. 

Jaemin had his parents turning their backs at him after telling them he’s gay, and Jaehyun is the only one who stayed and was as hurt as Jaemin to see their family breaking, still supporting him and not trying to change him so they could all be happy. He tried so hard to close an eye, not being selfish with this but every time he’s with them the ugly truth of them just bearing with him without truly supporting who he is hurts.

It is truly painful, and he’s trying to be mature for the sake of not bringing the painful reality of his relationship with their parents here, where it is already hard, especially for Jaehyun. He looks over at Jeno, same laying position and closed eyes. He’s exactly like him, Jeno was actually about to get married with a man.

He’s still with a blanket uncovering his arms, and Jaemin worries he might be cold, if he can feel the room’s temperature. He’s quite ignorant on what a coma is like, maybe he should annoy Doyoung a little and get some useful information if he visits their room. Jaemin stands up after making sure Jaehyun is warm, rain rumbling against the thin looking windows, casting dark shadows with the terrible weather.

He leans just to cover the man properly, taking a seat at the chair next to his bed, someone left it closer to the bed, probably a nurse because after Mark he hasn’t seen anyone here. Jaemin is not sure why he tucks a strand of hair behind Jeno’s ear, whispers an apology because touching a probably completely unconscious stranger is not the most common thing you can do. He slumps on the chair’s backrest, taking a noisy sigh. Why does a face like his hold so many demanding secrets? Why does your fiance hate you even before you could get married? And why whenever someone comes to you, it seems you’re lucky you’re already half dead.

“What did you do Jeno?”. He whispers, knees on the chair and chin resting under them. His socks threaten to slide on the slippery plastic chair, usually wearing slippers and easy clothes to keep Jaehyun company and to ease himself in such an impersonal place. His phone keeps ringing, he shuts it off ignoring the call. Jaemin can’t deal with it right now, nipping his lips nervously, ignoring a second call. He focuses back on Jeno, face mildly illuminated by the moody sky and he gapes, he’s not turning crazy. It can’t be a reflection of the rain, sliding down Jeno’s cheek there is a single tear. In the shock of it Jaemin presses his finger on his smooth skin, finding the wet texture of water disappearing under his digit, abruptly standing up to call a nurse.

Jaemin is disappointed to get informed it means absolutely nothing. It’s one of the normal reflexes someone in Jeno’s conditions can have, along with the twitching of fingers or grinning, Doyoung explains. Jeno keeps crying, thick quick tears falling down his cheek without a sob or anything looking mildly alive. Jaemin can’t define what it is exactly and it seems absurd when Doyoung tells him it’s nothing special, and they can only hope he will wake up soon.

They hope Jeno doesn’t get in a vegetative state, it only has been less than two weeks and Jaemin is both anxious for the day he’d eventually wake up and for the possibility that he won’t at all. His jittery state wakes Jaehyun, sending an apologetic look as he checks if he needs anything. His brother is just curious, and Jaemin explains how nothing really happened.

It’s cold and late in the evening when Jaemin has to leave the hospital and go home, making himself warmer in the thick scarf he quickly rolled around his neck and gritting his teeth as he answers in an impatient hiss, after his coat pocket keeps buzzing with the same persistent calls.

“What do you want?”.

“Baby”. Jaemin rolls his eyes at the purposefully sugar coated voice, opening the door of his car. “It’s been lonesome without you”.

“Fuck off Johnny, we broke up”. Jaemin throws his bag on the passenger seat, sliding forcefully a distraught hand on his cheek. “Do you want me to repeat it again? We’re over, move on”.

Jaemin hangs up, blocking his phone number like he should have already done. His heart is beating painfully quick, and he has to roll down the window and take a few long minutes before he can drive and focus on the road. He might not talk with his parents, still they don’t need another son at the hospital.

It’s a couple of days later when Jaemin steps inside Jaehyun and Jeno’s room and he finds the same thin frame covered by another expensive looking suit, brown hair less messy than last time. He holds Jeno’s wrist, the hold not looking too gentle and it has Jaemin snap, already clouded with a mind lacking sleep and so very mad. He’s had the most terrible night, kept thinking about Johnny and that asshole should be the last of his concerns. Except if sometimes people who are luckier than others end up in these pale walls instead of being already dead, it might be his ex’s fault. Jaemin is still terrified about finding out.

“Don’t hold that tightly, you’ll hurt him”. He scolds, and Jaemin regrets it, meeting the nasty look Renjun gives him.

“And you are?”. He twitches a dark brown eyebrow, a voice that would sound soothing and light as he looks if not so accusatory as he speaks.

That’s one good question. Who is he? No one to Jeno, just someone who has some empathy for a man in a comatose state, and the decency to not grab forcefully his wrist. He might not know the rest of it, but Jaemin doesn’t sit right with the hateful words he’s heard so far.

“I’m here for my brother, he stays in this room with Jeno”. He gestures to the bed as Renjun makes a very mocking ‘oh’ sound in acknowledgment. He also scoffs.

“Look, brother of the patient next to Jeno’s bed, I don’t think you’re in the position to tell me how I should be around a man I was about to marry”. 

“I think I am in a good position when you fucking wished him to die the other day”. Jaemin’s voice comes out harsher than he intended, today he doesn’t have all that temper he guesses, especially with such a personality. “Yeah, I wasn’t asleep. I heard all of it”.

“You’re the guy from the other day?”. Renjun seems speechless for a moment, and Jaemin is deeply satisfied by it. They share a long look, one where the man gets up and stands closer to him. His hand grips and the end of the bed’s railing, taking a glance at Jeno. “Do you think he can hear us?”.

Jaemin looks at him as well, Jeno is the same as everyday he’s seen it. Still the same extremely handsome man completely unwavering on the bed. He hasn’t moved since his silent and absurd crying the other day, he ends up mentioning it to Renjun and also explains it is nothing apparently. Jaemin keeps being wary, even when he mentions Jaehyun before he comes back to the room, helping him to the bed from where he refused to get here on a wheelchair. He looks fragile today, not only in his shaky movements.

Renjun has coffee and sits on a chair across both beds, watching Jeno and talking from time to time with them as Jaemin helps Jaehyun eat when they bring in dinner. Hospitals make you eat insanely early, and despite the chemo having Jaehyun’s stomach completely closed he understands no one would be hungry at this hour.

His forehead is sweaty, and Jaemin gives him a reassuring smile as he cuts the food for him. Jaehyun hates it, not being able to do things on his own, steading himself on the raised bed too wrecked to do anything else. Today he looks bad, Jaemin has to admit it.

“Come on Jae, please eat something”. Jaemin pushes the fork to his hand, the other circling around his thigh. 

“What’s the point?”. He croaks out, and Jaemin is thankful for hearing and looking at Renjun leaving the room. “Two years, Jaem. Two stupid years spent in this hospital and Jeno looks more alive than I do. I’m tired, I should live my life while it lasts and stop this misery”.

“Don’t”. Jaemin’s bottom lip wobbles, inhaling with a strong sound to avoid crying. “Jaehyun, we can do this, okay? I know, it’s been long and it gets harder to be hopeful, but I’m here. Mom and dad are, we’re all here and hoping with more optimism when you can’t find your own”.

Jaemin frames his face, sliding a thumb on the older’s tears. “We’re the most dysfunctional team but we’re all together for you, putting aside all the fights. I love you Jae, and I need my older brother with me”.

Jaehyun pushes his forehead to his shoulder, and Jaemin hugs him tightly, sitting on the bed next to him. “Now please eat something”.

It’s later and he’s already said Jaehyun he’ll pass by tomorrow, leaving him listening to music on his bed, ears blocked with earphones. He's pressing his back a few doors further than his brother’s, staring at the corridor’s blinding light and blinking the pain away. His life is miserable. A violent ex boyfriend, a sick brother who’s now considering giving up after two years, parents who turned their backs at him because he’s not the straight son they hoped he would be bringing in a good girl from a good family when Jaehyun can’t with his sickness. 

He feels tremendously alone.

The worst of all is the sticking, humid feeling making him shiver whenever he’s about to sleep and his apartment is completely silent. He’s alone, and every kind of warmth gets tempting when it offers under his eyes. He hears some steps ahead of him, Renjun presses his lips and stands in front of his dwelling body.

“You could use a drink”. A tap at his arm. “Let’s go, I know you hate my guts but I guess it’d be good to explain myself since you’re so passionate about being Jeno’s lawyer”.

Jaemin drinks. He also focuses on Renjun talking about his past with Jeno, and somehow if he thinks about it, it is extremely out of place for him to give Jaemin an explanation. He guesses in a way Jaemin is part of Jeno’s life now, indirectly. No one really visits him, and Jaemin found himself reading books to him, or playing some music in void attempts he heard they can stimulate someone like Jeno. Talks to him, says things he wouldn’t even to Jaehyun, safety of the other part keeping the secret — he physically can’t reveal it to anyone. Probably won’t remember when and if he wakes up.

He keeps drinking, shots after half glasses of bitters with Renjun, grimacing and numbing his limbs with his fast blood pounding everywhere. He needs it, and soon he’s closer in the man’s space, harder to focus on his voice with the bar’s music filling silences between them.

Renjun was supposed to marry Jeno. No, they never loved each other, but he was fine marrying him even if it was planned by their parents. Jaemin had no idea these things still exist nowadays, he says rich families often do that, taking advantage of the other’s wealth and keeping a good reputation in the meanwhile. He met Jeno at his eighteen birthday party, his debut in society and he mentions his family was already looking at Jeno, considering him as a candidate spouse. Quite the catch if you don’t know the rest, Renjun says.

“What is Jeno’s surname?”. 

“Lee”. Renjun clinks their glasses, chugs the drink down in one big gulp. He pursues his lips from the taste, biting the insides of his cheeks and Jaemin follows him with that. “We wanted to merge companies. Take a step above our greedy assholes of families and then divorce and free ourselves from them. Fucking up their whole plans and do it our own way”. 

“But now you can’t anymore. Is that why you took off his engagement ring?”.

“You sure are curious, huh?”. Renjun is close, thumb tracing close inside Jaemin’s thigh and he sucks in his breath, fluttery lashes of Renjun as he looks at him. “He won’t need that ring anymore, my parents saw him out of the way and are not about to lose time, they already fixed it for me”.

Renjun shows him his left hand, ring finger busy with an expensive diamond shining under the club’s lights. “They already took care of it. Yukhei, is his name. My parents like to choose the good looking ones, they know my taste”. 

Jaemin gapes as Renjun cups his crotch exactly with his promising soon to be husband hand, glad for the dim lights and the dark corner they’re sitting at. “They’re so excited they found a good replacement, and from another Chinese family like ours. Jeno caged me here, with a stupid accident he could have spared if he stopped for once being same nosey Jeno”. 

“What do you mean by nosey?”. Jaemin moans, shutting his eyes as Renjun keeps his hand to work, finding its place under his jeans and he’s in utter shock to do anything else. But maybe he can get more out of Renjun, so leans to kiss his jaw, pushing him closer by his narrow hips.

Renjun straddles him, right in a public place but they’re both drunk and no one cares if they’re being indecent in a corner. Jaemin wonders this is most definitely illegal, but he helps Renjun grinding on him in a sloppy making out. The man might be small but he is hungrily kissing him, leaving Jaemin with bitten lips as he pulls, whispering to his ear as he strokes Jaemin’s dick, movements pressed in the small space of his pants fabric.

“When you do business, big ones where lots of money are involved, you often step on others' plans and projects. If you ruin the wrong person you become an easy target, Jaemin”.

Jaemin tries to sucks a bruise on Renjun’s collarbone but he stops him. Right, he’s making out with an engaged man. It sounds completely out of his world, yet he’s doing it. He’s helping someone cheating, it doesn’t matter how dishonest their union is going to be from the get go.

“So you’re openly telling me someone made sure Jeno is in that condition and it wasn’t an accident”. Jaemin breathes out, helping Renjun rocking his hips harder against him. They’re both too overworked to stop, and they need to find a place soon to consume their needier pace.

“It’s a possibility, that’s what I’m saying”. Renjun throws his head back at the wet kisses on his neck, hands latching around Jaemin. “You know, the only way to stand Jeno was to have sex with him”.

Jaemin cups Renjun’s cheek, messily traces his thumb on the boy’s pink and glossy lips. “Am I your nightly replacement for two almost husbands?”.

“For tonight, you might be better than both of them. Surprise me”. 

Renjun makes the most beautiful and desperate guttural sounds against the bathroom walls, and Jaemin goes faster to his request, fist curling in his brown hair making his back arched, everything he tells Jaemin to do, he does it. He would be so good to get lost in, but Jeno’s surname and the business Renjun described sounds dreadfully too familiar, and his mind is clouded with it, suppressing a sound of the man licking in his mouth, thrusting deeper inside him.

It’s probably a coincidence, it can’t be what Jaemin accidentally already heard once, terrifying enough to end his longest relationship. Things with Johnny were already shit, they both are well aware of it, and he tries to focus on the pretty noises Renjun makes when he comes, gripping at Jaemin’s arms where he lifts him up against the wall to have them finish.

After a high pitched gasp when Jaemin spills in his condom and Renjun is overstimulated by the longed snap of hips in him after he already reached his release earlier than Jaemin, he presses his sweaty palms to the wall, whimpering when Jaemin pulls and everything around them is so dirty Jaemin wishes to detach from it as soon as he can.

Renjun turns, grabs almost painfully Jaemin’s hips and has him closer in another kiss dirtier than the bathroom stall, tongue moving in his mouth ravening, both still catching breaths and it is a mess. He grabs Jaemin’s nape and has him look at him, his eyes darkening and not with the same lust of a few minutes earlier.

“Stay away from Jeno’s life. One day you’ll wake up and realize he also ruined yours if you don’t stop now”. 

Renjun picks up his clothes, turning cold with a stare and his attitude as dresses up. Jaemin takes in how drunk he is, head spinning and mouth numb from Renjun’s sinking teeth and the alcohol lingering there. His breath is rough, making him nauseous pressing his temple to the cooling walls.

“See you”. Jaemin answers back at something Renjun says before opening the door, he has no clue. 

Jaemin isn’t sure why, he has an urge to protect Jeno. He likes to believe Jeno isn’t any worse than the people part of his life he’s met thanks to his coma. He doesn’t know how many shitty things he and his father did with their business to arrive at the point where a hit man like Johnny would be asked to kill him. Jaemin thinks it’s probably for his hatred harboured since he found out the truth of his ex boyfriend’s job, and honestly everything Jeno could have done sounds better than killing people for money.

He’s terrified, thinking of something risky as he stares at Jeno on the hospital bed, the voices of men belonging to his life telling Jaemin he should stop digging into why he is in that scary slumber. Jaemin leans closer for the first time today, holds Jeno’s hand. It is cold, as if there’s no trace of blood flowing in him. Cold and pale, his sharp beautiful features under a veneer of a long sleep.

Jeno’s hands are beautiful, exactly like he is. Slim fingers, veiny hands showing under his ill color, finding a rescue he most definitely can’t feel between Jaemin’s warmer hands. 

“I’ll get at the bottom of this, I promise you”. 

He’s scared, and there’s a part of him, a rational one wanting to keep his existence safe that screams he should go home or hug Jaehyun and not knock at Johnny’s door. Jaemin feels dirty, for wearing tight clothes showing his figure, exactly how it makes the older go crazy for him. More skin showing, using his eyes of bigger size to flutter his long lashes at him.

Johnny lets him in, and Jaemin wants to shiver in distaste at the palms sliding his waist, without any careful consent since they broke up. He breathes slowly, reminds himself this has a precise purpose. So he strips for him, makes sure to glance back his shoulder as he takes his jeans off. Johnny gives him an amused look, and oh Jaemin feels he’s selling his body this way.

He should let it go, he’s stepping his own boundaries and will end up hurt. But he’s been doing this with the taller man endless times, ridiculous how revealing that detail of his life stopped all the nonsensical enjoyment he felt with him. Jaemin, more truthfully, always felt used. Never loved enough, always going all the way to uncomfortable just to please him.

And right now, after pushing Johnny to the mattress and being completely naked in front of him, he has to at least set his own rules before the other might think this is okay and he wants to be used like this again in the future.

“You crawled back here”. Johnny whispers, Jaemin shutting his eyes at the burn inside his rim, two fingers in too soon for him. He hasn’t done it like this in a while, breaking up with him didn’t want him to do it again. Because he feels bad, it hurts more in his heart than anywhere else when he goes home with a sore body.

“I’m not here to stay”. Jaemin gapes, burning and pushing pain inside him, trying to adjust quicker so at least he can focus on something else. “I just miss the way you fuck me. This is the last time”.

Jaemin doesn’t miss it at all. Compared to this the thing he had with Renjun at the bar the other day had more sentiment. He wonders how many other times he has to use his body to get something useful. At least he wanted to with the man, still bringing in the uneasy feeling of indulging someone to cheat on their almost husband.

“Sure”. Chuckles Johnny, third finger and Jaemin hisses, his lips painfully stinging with the strong press of his teeth. He can endure it, tightening his hold on the sheets and almost screaming with his face buried in the pillow with how frustrated he is, he wants it to be over. He fakes a few fake moans, tries to transform the pain into something that looks like he truly missed him, and his mind in that shameful moment hates Jeno for luring him indirectly into this.

Jaemin wants to cry, swallowing Johnny’s release between his legs later, forcing it down his throat with relief because it is over. He can now get to the point, where he suffered until now.  
Johnny always showers after having sex. Jaemin used to be hurt when they were dating because of it, and felt like his boyfriend wanted to get rid of him in any form as soon as they were over.

He tried countless times to lure him for some cuddles, some softer kisses like all healthy relationships should have but he never got it once. And how poorly he got treated before he grew some courage to break up is enough to let him stay away, excluding his whole real and terrible job. Jaemin’s biggest flaw is wanting to uncomplicate people, to get the best out of them. Jumping into toxic relationships. 

What an idiot, he always thinks looking back to all the people he let inside his life to slowly destroy his limitless trust. Everything gives you experience and Jaemin each time learns and bumps into the same mistakes. Probably this whole Jeno thing is going to turn out to be a failure, he’s helping someone that has already two people telling him it’s not worth it, yet he’s here repeating the old script he knows by heart. Aware it can turn out bad again.

He doesn’t have the time to seep in how much he wants to scream or cry, whimpering as he gets up and is fast to grab Johnny’s phone when he locks the bathroom door. He slides his finger everywhere, taps all messages and finally he finds it. The contacts are anonymous, he can’t really tell Jeno who’s looking for him but he has the request and the amount of promised money if Johnny kills him as proof in that message.

Jaemin throws the phone where it was, gathers up his clothes quickly and he’s filthy inside out as his legs and hands keep shaking in that violence he looked for himself, trying to help someone who’s probably not worth it. He can barely manage to zip his jeans, taking a sharp gasp when Johnny opens the door, eyes him with that stupid smirk he wants to punch away.

“It won’t happen again, keep it in mind”. Jaemin warns, squeezing his eyes shut at the tight hold on his wrist, tugged back to the taller man’s chest.

“Oh I think you will. You know too much Jaemin, you already know what happens to loudmouths”.

“It won’t happen again”. Jaemin frees from the hold, steps faster and limping to the door and out, scraping his knees as he starts panicking and falls to the hard ground halfway to his car. 

He shouldn’t have done it, he’s upset. He can’t take it anymore, he fell where all of this started, where the cold sweat and gasping for air happened more times to consider a relationship healthy, afraid of Johnny and how sometimes things could get between them in delicate moments. How he didn’t realize how abnormal some things he did to him are, aware of it only when he compared his relationship with his friends’. Feeling forced to do things, against his will no matter how much he voiced it out. 

Later when he comes to the hospital, fist bleeding with the strong punch he took to his apartment walls, Jaemin cries. To his luck Jaehyun isn’t there, and he is terrified at the idea of talking it out to someone who isn’t his draining brain, too ashamed to speak. He cries with his forehead pressed on the side of Jeno’s bed, the only person there but not really.

He holds his hand, and Jaemin doesn’t want him to be in danger. They need to solve it out, find a way to not let anyone else know Jeno is here. How can Renjun or Mark be so okay with this, you can hate someone and he might have done hurtful things to them but how is this okay? Jaemin can’t find an answer, it’s been almost three weeks of Jeno being there and Jaemin talking to him about anything.

He also talks about Jaehyun and his worries for his brother’s future, how working from home but not really because he’s always at the hospital makes him lonelier every passing day, losing all his friendships. He talks of Johnny, of their shitty past relationship, he does it right now holding the freezing cold hand and openly telling him he’s scared. It’s freeing to tell someone, even if that person might not be hearing the way you’ve been abused at all.

Jaemin cries, hard, sobbing and wetting the white sheets with a darker color, and it takes a while to notice Jeno is holding his hand back. A freezing cold hold that squeezes back again, this time more lively, and Jaemin stops crying. He lifts his head, too shocked to think about this is the first time Jeno sees what he looks like. And if he has no clue of who Jaemin is, it must be weird seeing a crying stranger holding your hand, with red eyes and a running nose.

Jaemin meets a gentle warm brown staring at him, blinking heavily as if he’s woken up from the deepest sleep. Which he is. He huffs an incredulous smile, and Jeno weakly soothes the back of his hand with his thumb.

“Hi Jaemin”. A deep, still rough voice talks. It’s a nice tone for a manly voice, warmer than his cold limbs.

His heart beats fast, unsure if he should — definitely he should call a nurse. But Jeno truly looks like someone who’s just had some really long and good sleep, and the most surprising thing is Jeno heard everything he said and remembers who he is. He just said his name.

“Nice to meet you”. Jaemin smiles, his eyes tired from crying.

“I think we can drop formalities”. Jeno blinks strongly a few times, probably adjusting to daylight. “My head hurts”.

“Shit, right”. Jaemin fumbles nervously around the space of Jeno’s bed, finds the bell to call the nurses and wants to get out and call someone himself but Jeno stops him, gripping at the tip of his fingers to have his attention.

“I heard what you said. You’re also in danger, be careful”.

Jeno seems too weak to say anything else, and Doyoung gives him a confused and wide eyed look when he takes in that the man is awake. And he seems pretty great considering most awakenings from a coma. Soon there’s a bunch of nurses and doctors in the room, and Jaemin backs until he sits on Jaehyun’s bed. They’re in danger, they need a way out to save themselves. He feels like fainting, and if he did someone might think he is affected by seeing Jeno awake. Because Jeno is really awake, and now he’ll have to stay for some days more to make sure he will recover properly.

It’s great, they find out. Jeno has no serious damages, and no one really visits him so Jaemin listens to all the good news. His heart weighs heavy, the next day hugging Jaehyun before he goes to therapy — this time actual therapy with a psychologist, they talked about it together and they thought it would be good for him. There are some good ones working at the hospital, and Jaehyun disappears behind the door with a hoodie swallowing his thinned frame and the usual beanie keeping his head warm. Today it is a red one.

Jaemin is torturing his bitten nails, looking out at the window to find another moody day. He’s fidgety, afraid Johnny will call and text him again, wanting to puke at the idea or memories too fresh to ignore. One arm folded to hug or protect himself from the irreparable. He shivers with a feeling of being violated all over again, and there’s someone who knows now. Because Jeno heard everything Jaemin told him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”. 

Jaemin turns, eyes watering and flushed cheeks. He doesn’t, but he needs it. He quietly walks towards Jeno’s bed and he pats the space next to him, timidly accepting it. It feels odd to stay so close to him, especially now he can interact with him, Jaemin can stare at his eyes and find them glinting with a fresh view of someone who’s just opened his eyes again, back to life.

“What you heard… please forget it”. Jaemin can’t keep eye contact, staring at his hands in his lap.

“Did he hurt you? Seriously, physically hurt you or let you do something against your will?”.

Jaemin is aware his guilty silence is a proper confirmation. He bites his lips, tries to look up at Jeno’s worried face.

“Does it matter? He’s going to kill you, and then me if he finds out I know where you are”.

“We need to disappear Jaemin. Really be out of sight”. 

“I don’t even know you”. Jaemin huffs an exasperated laugh, hands in his air slumping them back down on his legs in a dull sound. “I’ve met Mark, Renjun, they all told me to stay away from you. I heard things that make you extremely unlikeable, Jeno Lee”.

“And I’ve done worse”. Jeno says, a hand falling on top of his. “Jaemin, I understand. You have your brother here, and your whole life but I don't want you to die. Somehow I’m responsible for dragging you into this, and trust me they're going to target you and everyone you love next, to find me”.

Jaemin’s heart is going to break leaving Jaehyun. Their parents are also part of his family despite everything, and technically they have already chosen to lose him. But the possibility of them losing both their sons makes his stomach twist painfully. There must be a way to keep being in contact with Jaehyun, or another option they can come up to — with that he's not as hopeful. 

Jeno’s hand is still cold, but it feels alive on top of his. This man he doesn't know anything about, only terrible things mostly hidden by people belonging to his life he’s met in these three weeks. Jaemin finds it hard to believe, Jeno doesn't seem as evil as they pictured him. 

He doesn't know anything about him, and it's foolish of him to trust Jeno. Probably that's what happens when you don't have other choices, they're surely going to die in a way or another, they can at least try. Fear makes you get stupidly fast choices, Jaemin doesn’t want to die. 

He watches Jeno gulp, his perfectly sharp jaw moving with his lips pressing in a straight line. Jaemin stares back, eyes void of any glint.

“What do you have in mind?”.

“They have to believe we're dead”.

Jaemin scoffs, looks over Jaehyun’s bed. “And how are we going to do that?”.

“My family will be glad to help, trust me”.

Jeno explains how he got to this hospital, and he does it with Jaehyun in the late evening next to a tense Jaemin, afraid of how he’s going to react to all he is going to find out. He is clearly confused at first, probably wondering why the man is sharing his unfair moves for a business career to them, two apparently random siblings sharing slices of life with him in these weeks.

He shares a few details Jaemin didn't hear from Mark, and he gets it. Jeno tried to break off or simply complicate their marriage, persuading Donghyuck — Mark’s husband, Jaemin learns, to cheat with him. It was a complicated timing of their marriage, they were fighting often and Jeno took the chance to find Mark’s weakest spot. Mark Lee is his biggest competition in business, and the moment he was crumbling and almost divorcing with Donghyuck, Jeno took the chance to step up from the lacking business from the other Lee company.

That's terrible, Jaemin thinks, and understands why Mark told him all of that. Jeno does seem guilty as he tells his honest truth, Jaemin appreciates the lack of excuses he makes. Jeno’s father stole a half project from someone else, receiving great profit from it. The company is under Jeno’s name, and everything that happens privately or publicly is signed by him. So now he’s the one to take the blame for it.

Jeno can't figure who it is exactly, someone wants him dead for a stupid slip of his father. And if he's lucky Johnny still thinks he's dead. This is their situation now, they need a fake funeral quickly, something proving Jeno’s gone and for Jaemin's safety he has to fake his death as well.

Things could get very bad if someone finds out about Jeno, and Jaemin is still exposed and too close to Johnny’s reach. He’s going to be next. Fate tied them in this dangerous path, and Jaemin’s heart breaks watching Jaehyun's clear confusion and fear.

He hugs him, Jaemin feeling all the edgy bones under his thick, large sweater, hands curling at his nape as buries his head on his fragile shoulder. His big brother, the one person that would never stand Jaemin being hurt and irretrievably gone.

Jaehyun frames his face, shocked to find out all Jaemin has been through with Johnny and all the new information adding to the story mingling with Jeno’s existence. He sees his eyes trembling, and Jaemin is going to suffer, that's for sure.

“You're not going to die before me, you have a choice Jaem. You need to go”.

“And leaving you alone? Jaehyun, I don't think I can”. His voice breaks, and Jaemin looks at his brother’s pleading eyes towards Jeno.

“Is there a way for me to keep in touch with you guys? You can trust me, I won't tell anyone. Also, I have nothing to lose, I’m most definitely going to die anyway”.

“Don't say it”. Jaemin says harshly. The thought alone of a possibility that doesn't include Jaemin being there for him if he does stings in unbearable pain.

“They're going to have some pity for someone with cancer”. 

“Are you really okay with this, Jaehyun?”. Jaemin holds his hand, helps him to bed because he notices his legs getting shakier. He’s too weak.

He nods, makes a sad smile. Jaemin’s heart is on a full way to break until nothing will be there but crumbling pieces moved by the wind of their approaching new journey, an unknown destination that needs to be planned, as far as they can get from here..

“We can keep contact with you. It has to be only you, Jaehyun”. 

Jaemin that night hugs his parents when they're all getting out of the hospital. He hugs them despite everything, like he's never going to see them again, because he really won't. He cried his eyes out on Jaehyun's shoulder, tried to spend some memories he can come back to when he’ll miss him with his entire being, giving him two proper goodbyes just in case, walking with a heavy heart home to pack his things.

As he’s in front of the rusty door of his apartment block his feet kick a roll of strong tape, thick and grey. Jaemin hisses when he bends and tries to pick up the note, there's blood on his finger. He finds a spike behind it.

‘only pretty lies better come out of your mouth, jaem. you talk too much, you’re out. -j’

Jaemin kicks the tape and locks himself inside. He’s scared, rushing to pack as much as he can, immediately calling the phone number Jeno gave him before and talking to Mr. Lee. His house is upside down trying to rationally think what he will need, rummaging jittery hands through drawers and grabbing an old photo of him and Jaehyun. He’s not safe, he has a bad feeling Johnny already knows why he went to his place the other day. Shoving the essential in a large suitcase, trembling in fear until he sees the black luxury car, checking the license plate to make sure it is the one he’s waiting for. 

As Jaemin is in that endless car drive, without a phone because Jeno’s father explained he’ll get a new one and the only person he can talk to is Jaehyun, he knows in the next few days someone is going to find out about his — and Jeno’s fake death. Technically no one outside the hospital and the people he’s met there knows they have any type of connection. Jeno will simply be deemed dead from where he’s got in a coma saying he didn't survive the accident, and there’s a fake car crash planned for Jaemin. 

Jeno’s family already knows he’s alive, for Jaemin the accident will be too destructive for his body to be shown, and if it gets not believable enough for his family whoever is working behind this promised Jaemin they’ll make it as true as it can get, to the point they’ll create a fake version of his body if needed.

Jeno isn't with him for the whole car ride, meeting him hours later all dressed up and alive outside the pale walls of the hospital he saw him the first time. He looks different, displaced from where his brain is adjusted to see him. They're going to take a private jet, staying in a cottage in Italy, Tuscany. That is their first route and then if it is safe Jaemin doubts they’ll move somewhere else.

Jaemin doesn't talk, barely says goodbye to Jeno’s father and thanks him when he receives a new phone. He doesn't share a word with Jeno, too caught up in his head. He was so scared since the night before he didn't have time to realize this is really happening, he really said goodbye to everything that made him Na Jaemin from the big apple. He’s going to make his parents suffer, and have Jaehyun endure it without being able to tell the truth, reassuring them he is fine.

He has no idea of who he is going to be starting from scratch, building someone new. Having a future next to someone he shouldn’t even trust, albeit it is a stranger he protected and risked his own life for and now is protecting him back. He’s overwhelmed and he is thankful for Jeno respecting him, not trying to engage a conversation in such a delicate moment.

Jaemin appreciates the silence. How deep it is, for how long it unfolds flying in a cloudy sky the wings of their jet touches as it reaches a destination further than where Jaemin’s mind can even think. He’s never been to Italy, never left home and surely very few people have his same destiny.

He wonders why it is with Jeno he's going to leave their old life and start a new one.

Jaemin learns that Tuscany has a lot of green fields, extending for infinite blurring color, never ending green he looks from the car window. He sees fields full of red poppies, sunflowers resting from the sun not being out and strong for them to follow, air seeping clean in his nostrils getting smudged with the car’s smog. It’s comforting, all nature’s beauty when Jaemin feels empty, not having the courage to look and realize Jeno is next to him.

Their cottage is beautiful. Same green he’s seen so far, a white table with elaborately decorated chairs of the same color resting outside under the remnants of rain, small drops trapping the white paint reflection. It is March, their driver told them it is a cheeky month for the italian weather, rain teasing from time to time and allowing sun as a trick. Days could get warmer soon, except they don’t most times until late April.

He tells them to prepare staying indoors, luckily they have a wide garden to soak the lucky days of shy sun when they’ll come. A long balcony on the front, a back door that looks out to the space of fields where the kitchen is. Honestly the house is lovely, but Jaemin can’t see it with his heart glooming everything to lonesome sadness. He’ll never forgive himself for leaving Jaehyun, not when the other reminded him he prefers to have him alive and extremely far from him than visiting at the hospital and risking his life daily. 

Jaemin thanks the driver bringing his suitcases in, a finger gathering some dust from warm brown furniture where there’s a decorated orange plate keeping a few pairs of keys. The air smells clean from the outside, coming from the windows Jeno opens to allow some fresher air, smell of closed on the inside slowly getting out from the first floor. He wonders how long this house has stayed unused, this beautiful place they have to call home.

Jaemin is glad it is this pretty and has a breathtaking view, it is going to be easier to slip that word out of his mouth and make it seem believable to his own mind. They have two rooms, very similar in space and both with a connected balcony, railings green, the paint consumed.

He spends the first day in complete silence, and he can tell Jeno is obviously worried by his lack of words. Jaemin cleans the house, tries to keep his hands busy, dusting the couch, furniture, cleaning the stove back to life. He rests his palms on the cold steel, and he allows a few sobs he kept there all day. Jaemin feels wrecked, draining from the messed up time zones, hurting from leaving his brother.

He spots Jeno with his face buried in the fridge, snapping it out of it as he hears Jaemin cry. It feels so odd to him, how this stranger is now a person who knows more than most do about his life, what remains of his life. Jaemin has no clue of who he is now, feels completely lost. We spend our entire lives thinking of who we are, who we want to be and once you’re stripped of that uncertain mess you have, your belongings and where your roots are sometimes they speak more than that big unknown question.

Jeno gives him a kind smile, holding a box of eggs in his hands. “I’m sorry, Jaemin, I really am”.

Jaemin turns to him, looks at some food he’s placing on the counter, sniffling. “I thought the fridge was empty”.

“There’s some essentials”. Jeno hesitates, looking like he wants to pat his shoulder from the way he raises his hand, but it rests back to his side. “We can go buy something you like tomorrow, explore a little even if the weather is not that great”.

“I’d like that”. Jaemin tries to smile, but it’s a sorrow lift of his closed mouth. “I don’t know a word of italian”.

Jeno chuckles, and Jaemin notices he is handsome when he smiles. This might be the first time he sees him doing it, since Jeno woke up they have only been grimacing and frowning in worry. “Neither do I. Hopefully someone knows a few words in english”.

Jaemin looks at Jeno cooking, slumps on the kitchen stool and nips his lips distractedly as he flips through a book in italian, not understanding a word of it for obvious reasons. It’s a book for kids about the four season fairies, there are plenty of cute drawings and tabs to pull to reveal a hidden drawing of the autumn fairy, as the one pulled now. He watches Jeno struggling to cook, and he sighs before getting up and gently pushing him to the side, taking control over the not so bad but most likely promised disaster in the pot.

Having dinner with Jeno is distractive, his head hurts with stress and tiredness but he manages a few laughs with some lighthearted topics they try to graze, both too caught up in their heads, trying to delay talking about the truth of where they are and why they’re here.

He spends the first week like this, picking up the slowness of time, stirring and stretching his cracking muscles on the balcony when days are sunnier. He cleans properly everywhere, sometimes Jeno pats his shoulder and reminds him they have a garden he can take a break. He picks up his shoes, walks next to Jeno with tickling wet grass staining their boots with mould.

Jaemin frowns thinking their parents are probably burying his fake body in mould right now, he doesn’t know if they already got the bad news, Mr. Lee suggested avoiding any contact also to spare Jaemin the pain. Except it hurts, because Jeno is not letting their parents believe he’s actually gone. At least Jaehyun knows this is fake, but his brother is also being turned by cancer every day closer to nothing. Outside their house, under a small roof there’s an old narrow couch enough for their two bodies. They sit there on an early evening, compact thin rain falling above their rescued bodies, Jaemin unconsciously pressing closer to Jeno from the lack of space and maybe because he feels stripped of every warm feeling. 

He figures Jeno notices, looking at him before he focuses on the rain again. “How are you?”.

“Doing better”. Jaemin grazes his chapped lips, he should buy a chapstick. He has no idea how to ask for it in italian, maybe he should google it. But he’s scared, albeit the safety or their new phones, that having access to the internet might conduct the way to them.

“Please, Jaemin. At least let’s not lie to each other”. Jaemin doesn’t have the time to answer that. “I hear you every night, and sometimes I want to do something because it is heartbreaking”.

Jeno sighs, his eyes glinting in a sympathetic stare. “I don’t know if I can try to knock at your door, comfort you in any way, you’re stuck with me and it still doesn’t give me the right to do anything”.

Jaemin holds his hand. His cold hand, but it has a warmer pace to it, of a man who’s talking to him and he thought he wouldn’t even wake up from that hospital bed. Jeno looks at him, intertwines their hands to squeeze. It’s a simple thing, but Jaemin feels less detached from reality. This person next to him has left everything exactly like he did, and maybe they should start leaning on the other.

“I’d like a hug”. 

Jeno smells of clean house clothes, of a lazy humid day. He dips his nose in the soft fabric, and tangles a hand inside his black hair. They slide like silk through his digits, and Jeno’s palms sooth his back up and down, digging softly to the line of his spine. It is somewhat comforting, if he stops thinking about why two people like them are hugging in a Tuscanian cottage in the first place.

Rain crisps against the roof, the sound and the warm hold they’re in makes him sleepy. He hasn't slept well since they moved here, he cries all night. Jaemin thought he was good at hiding it, apparently he really isn’t. He’s aware his sobbing gets loud, Jaemin sometimes realizes too late he is actually screaming in the pillow. 

It takes long for Jaemin to loosen up, to trust and open to Jeno. That hug is a good start, truthfully Jaemin misses contact, to touch someone and that’s often why he restricts himself from craving more closeness with him. They would have never ended up growing close if it isn’t for how fate decided to twist danger in their lives and have them isolated from the world they always have known.

Jaemin wakes up earlier, walks with a pale purple colored umbrella and visits the small town, talks with the elders who teach him some basic words and befriends some younger kids who speak english. He knows Mr. Lee suggested they do nothing much, not even try to find a job but Jaemin is slowly turning mad in this safe bubble.

He helps some people out of kindness, takes their groceries to bring home, gets invited for a coffee inside the pretty colorful houses and listens to stories of other lives, led so simply but Jaemin envies them, he longs for the uncomplicated. Sometimes someone who can speak better english asks him questions, wondering what a boy like Jaemin is doing here. Of course he doesn’t tell the truth, saying he’s here with a friend and they want to experience a different life after the chaotic metropolitan chaos they grew up with.

Jeno is not bad at all. He’s very kind to him, makes sure Jaemin is doing well, takes him out when he starts spacing out too much in the brick walls of their house. Sometimes he brings him breakfast to bed, or curls next to Jaemin when they watch something on their old tv. Jaemin wonders if this is the apparently carefree life they live to make him see Jeno in a different light than what everyone has told him, or if maybe they were all wrong.

Because Jaemin can’t find that evil they talk about, he’s heard a part of it directly from Jeno but he thinks sometimes, even the ones who look the most innocent do very ill things. Jaemin is one of those too, and is often told he’s an angel and everyone should be like him. He wonders what they would think to find out he lied to his parents, dated a hit man and now everyone thinks he’s dead.

Maybe doing hideous things is not written in who they are once stripped of everything that matters and doesn’t at the same time, probably it is a condition of surviving in sick environments that make you lose somewhere your morals. Because Jaemin doubts being a businessman like Jeno was before all of this is easy, most of them must keep going for the sake of the stable life it offers, economically speaking.

And one night they’re sitting on the couch, Jaemin allowing a moment to comb Jeno’s hair through his fingers seeing the other clinging to him, he whispers a question pressing for long in his tongue.

“Why did Renjun hate you so much? It can’t be just the failed merging companies plan”.

Jeno looks so young, opening his eyes to look at him, lifting his cheek from where it was pressed to his shoulder, both mindlessly watching tv. 

“Renjun was, I still think he is in love with someone else. You said you met Mark, right?”. 

Jaemin nods, watches Jeno shift on the couch, a hand resting on his thigh. “Marrying Renjun was convenient for us, and my parents found a way to set Donghyuck with Mark quicker so Renjun wouldn’t have had a chance. He already despised me for taking away his love story, but I guess he understands now he had no future with Donghyuck anyway. Mark and Donghyuck are lucky, they are a rare case of people falling truly in love after being obliged to get married by their families”.

“And you were about to get into an unhappy marriage, you also had Donghyuck cheating on Mark”. Jaemin says, defeated, it sounds terrible. “Fuck, Jeno, I literally helped Renjun cheating on his new fiance. It could have been you, you have no idea how bad I still feel about it”.

Jeno seems surprised, twitching an eyebrow. “You slept with Renjun?”.

“I wanted to know more about you, and I was lonely. I know it’s not an excuse”. Jaemin rubs his face, forcefully his cheeks get red and he has a few lashes falling on his palms. “I did the same with Johnny, to make sure it was you he was targeting-”.

“You did what?”. Jeno looks at him, angry and worried eyes piercing in his. “Jaemin, tell me you’re joking, you didn’t get back to your abusive ex just to know if someone wanted to kill me”.

“I-”. Jaemin widens his eyes at Jeno's glossy eyes, letting him frame his face. Jeno’s face grimaces with remorse, something he shouldn’t be feeling because Jaemin did it on his own, he has nothing to do with it — at least in a direct way. Jeno never asked that of him. “I’m not a good person, Jeno. Don’t try to make it seem like I am”.

“You are. I’ve done awful things, you know the worst ones so I can confidently say you have a picture of all that’s rotten with me. I want to believe this is my second chance, to be better. And it can be yours to finally heal from all the pain Johnny caused you”. 

“I’m trying to trust you Jeno, I’m sorry if it seems I’m making no effort with it”. Jaemin rests his forehead with Jeno’s, feels a hand around his nape guiding him to his chest, and there he is hugging him. He catches the sound of the thriving river not too far from the living room’s open window, cold air shivering his body to goosebumps. He has to accept Jeno is the only person he can lean on now. Jaemin already accepted it, he’s just realizing it is not as terrifying as he thought it would be.

Jaemin is embarrassed. He tiptoes in his room, and he can tell Jeno is the same kind of sheepish. They decided to sleep, yet they were both lingering by the corridor where their rooms are, and got an unspoken agreement where they’re now both delaying the time they’ll both lay in the same bed. Jaemin sinks on the mattress, keeps the blanket up for Jeno to lay there with him. It’s quiet between them for a while, and Jeno seems uneasy, shifting often in the span of a few minutes. He hears him sighing, fingers crawling to his hand and Jaemin looks at his dimmed face. 

“I don’t want to do these kinds of things without asking you for consent, especially after what you’ve been through”. 

Jaemin’s heart skips a beat, throat pressing painfully with those words. They sound very nice of Jeno, and his chest hurts as he tries to keep Jeno’s fingers in his hand. He always overthinks how they’re like this because they are alone and forgotten by the world by now, it’s only them and their most awful secrets. Jaemin would never be lying in bed with someone like Jeno if they weren’t shaped and narrowed in the same path so drastically.

“We’re just going to sleep in the same bed, it’s fine Jeno”. Jaemin smiles anyway, and for the first time since they moved here, probably entirely from the weight of Jeno’s head finding his chest after some shy shifting, he feels less alone.

If he thought Jeno’s hands were cold, waking up with him the next morning has him sweat with the furnace pressing closer when he tries to move, mumbling something incoherent. It’s odd to see Jeno sleep, the kind of conscious rest, not the undefined slumber he was in the first time he saw him. 

Jaemin thinks that’s why he traces his fingers to the man’s shoulder, sticking his index under his jaw, listening to his pulse alive and fast. Jeno’s cheeks are slightly tinted pink, probably from the heat he keeps shifting closer whenever Jaemin tries to get up, hair mussy and tickling Jaemin’s neck. He’s gorgeous, truly a treat to see and unfairly beautiful as he’s sleeping and his sharp features are smashed to his crumpled shirt.

Jaemin moves black hair out of Jeno’s forehead, and his stomach turns fluttery with how close they are. He knows he can’t trust his body, it’s easy to believe he might like Jeno more than he thought when them being here and alone is the only reason why they’re so close. That and also all the secrets Jaemin shared when the man was in a coma, all the words freely falling on a pale face and shut eyes.

He texts with Jaehyun most of the time, shares what he did during the day and Jeno occupies a big part of his stories. Jeno bringing fresh smoothies for him from the grocery shop, Jeno fixing the little couch outside that’s too unstable to dare each time sitting there, Jeno sometimes turning the old radio miraculously functioning as he cleans, singing with such a comely voice. 

Jeno is all over him with that gentle breeze shaking Jaemin from the reality he left, slowly settling his heart to coexist with this new one. Jaehyun tells him Jeno seems nice, and the three of them talk sometimes during phone calls. His brother always calls when his parents aren’t there, and Jaemin feels guilty. He used to occupy all those spaces where he was alone, but he reassures him saying he has a new roommate who’s nice — Taeyong, a man around his age who got a bad injury and he’s staying there for approximately a month, as far as the doctors can predict.

Jaehyun is not doing better, and there’s no luxury such as lying because Jaemin expressly asked him to not spare him the truth. If he has to prepare to say goodbye when he can’t see him, at least he wants to know how bad it is. And it is, Jaehyun tells him one morning his body is more cancerous than anything else, and he fears Jaemin should start saying goodbye.

“You can’t feel guilty, do you understand? You’re protecting your life, and it is going to be a damn good one”. 

Jaehyun chuckles and Jaemin tries as well, tears unstoppably falling down his cheeks, and it has Jeno’s attention who is watering the new plants they bought a few meters away from him, sitting at the finally dry white round table. These last days have been sunnier than most, after weeks of rain. Italy is beautiful and getting colorful but Jaemin’s heart sinks that morning seeing everything in a stolen light exposure.

“Are mom and dad treating you right? And Taeyong, how is he?”.

“They are, being extremely sad and pitiful but I can’t blame them, don’t worry. Taeyong he is, quite a person, and he’s getting better”.

Jaemin hears a playful whining from Jaehyun’s line, the youthful voice of Taeyong making Jaehyun laugh. He’s relieved to know he has someone nice around him, considering how all doctors think these might be his last days. He doesn’t sound bad, his voice is lively, but Jaemin notices the rough breathing from time to time.

“I’m happy, Jaem. It sucks to die this young but I’m not that sad to go, who knows, maybe whatever happens after death I’ll be healthy as fuck”.

“You’re so going to be”. Jaemin tries to laugh, humour it with Jaehyun but it’s betrayed by his loud sobs, seeing Jeno getting alarmed with the pink sprinkler in his hands. It’s quite comical, albeit his heart keeps getting stumped with that sharp pain.

“Promise me one thing”. Jaehyun says, and he can tell from the hoarse voice he’s also crying.

“Everything you want, Jae”. Jaemin looks up at Jeno getting closer, standing in front of him and holding his hand. He’s thankful, squeezing back and gives him a mention of a smile.

“Keep Jeno close, he cares about you”. Jaemin nods, Jeno is all he has now. It’s hard to push him away. He swallows down the hurting lump in his throat, uses his sleeve to dry the tears and his running nose. 

“How will I know if you...that''. Jaemin’s voice dies down, and he hears Jaehyun hum in thought.

“Maybe Jeno’s father will text you guys”. Jaemin tugs Jeno’s sweater and the other curiously bends down, staring at him. From the way he nods, Jeno can hear what Jaehyun says, and it makes him a bit self conscious of the promise he just made to his brother. 

“He will”. He whispers, opening his arms and Jaemin is quick to fall in the embrace, staying pressed to Jeno’s chest and phone attached to his ear. 

“I’m going to miss you so much”. Jaemin says, his voice too fragile to tell him all he wants. He also has his mind completely clouded to have proper thoughts, tries to concentrate on Jaehyun’s breathing and Jeno’s soothing hands around his stomach. The morning breeze is still kissing their skin with that itching cold, and here it's peaceful. Jaemin hopes Jaehyun will be able to find a place like this, after these years of a loop of hospital smell and medicines. 

He wishes him a bright sun, tall big trees and birds chirping on top of the cleanest sky, birds flying down to touch the ground and drink from the river’s water. Freedom, Jaemin wants him free of all the pain he's unfairly got through. Jaehyun never deserved it.

“I’m keeping you with me, I love you Jaem”.

“I’ll find the way to visit you one day, okay?”.

“It doesn’t matter. That is... a grave, it’s not me. Hearing you now is important, it matters more. Don’t risk your life for a piece of stone”.

Jaehyun wants to talk to Jeno then, and Jaemin keeps gasping and sobbing with tears too hot and thick staining Jeno’s shirt, a fist strongly firm around the collar of it. Breathing hurts, everything does and Jaemin has to be patient. It will stop eventually, for now he can hold onto Jeno for a bit longer.

He said goodbye to the most important part of his life, the old one, the part that kept him grounded there. That part that still made him Jaemin Na. He’s going to lose it eventually, and the morning sun is too bright and happy to be fair to his pain. 

Jaemin looks at Jeno, flutters his eyes shut at the fingers pressing at his moving jaw, drying his tears and he takes some stuttering breaths in between. His arms are still around his neck, leaning closer till their noses touch but Jeno is quicker to pull.

“Not like this”. Jeno says, so low Jaemin thinks he's imagining it.

“Then how?”.

“You're sad, and trust me”. Jeno gives him that endearing eye smile of his, cheeks curving and the mole under his right eye reaches closer to the space of his long lashes. “I really want to. Not now, I can hug you all day if you need it but it's not fair to take advantage of this moment”.

Jaemin leans to kiss his cheek, flustering Jeno who blushes quickly. Everything he does is delightful to watch, and he smiles at him.

“You're not a bad person Jeno, I don't have the will to believe it even if I know everything you've done. You're so kind to me”.

“It's hard not to be when you're, I don't have a clue Jaemin, you’re just so special. I hope you know”. Jaemin curls his fingers in Jeno’s hair, guides him to his chest, chin hooking and sinking on his black hair and he feels the man’s warm breath fanning his neck. “Hey, I should be the one comforting you”.

“Do you mind staying at home today? I don't feel like doing anything”. 

“Should I bring lunch to bed?”.

Jaemin scrunches his nose, sniffling the remaining sadness before it bulks up again in the next sobs he knows they will be coming soon. He sighs, he’s really making an effort to not cry again. Tired of being sad and weak in this beautiful house. “Maybe it's better if I cook, then you can bring it upstairs and take the merit”.

Jeno laughs, shaking his head on his chest. “Fine with me”.

Healing is a lot of work, and it takes weeks for Jaemin to realize he needs to take those scary steps forward to get better. Days without Jaehyun are tremendously lonely for his mind, Mr. Lee called them three days later to tell them his brother passed away. Nothing prepares you to this, not even two years of seeing the man getting more sick and hopeless, already accepting he is going to leave this life eventually, sooner or later.

The pain is unbearable at first, it crashes Jaemin down whenever he tries to think of a happy memory connected to him, and he’s glad to have Jeno who even if in an extremely microscopic part knows how great Jaehyun was. Kind Jeno who’s too good for him, and Jaemin stops thinking how they wouldn’t even be close if it wasn’t for their lives changing to this, enjoys the time he has with him — and it is a lot.

Days are getting warmer, half of April is gleaming and Jaemin today is laughing. They got out for a walk, met a few kids playing football and Jeno roped him to play with them, turning out they’re both terrible, their ass beaten by literal middle schoolers. Jaemin is mocking Jeno for something he said after sulking and losing again another match, laughing until they’re pushing each other playfully back to the house, muddy shoes left at the front door. 

Jaemin can now define it home, he already did back then but now it sounds more like the actual meaning of the word. Home is their cooling lungs after an iced glass of water, both sighing content and still sweaty from the burning sun of early evening. Jaehyun would have loved this, that’s what he thinks after seeing the state they’re both in. Not even a month has passed, the pain is still fresh and engraved in Jaemin’s chest, albeit today it is better. It has been better for more than a few days, actually. So far one bedroom is left untouched, Jeno has been sleeping with him all these weeks, a hand to hold at night. Maybe they’re good for each other, or they wouldn’t have had this chance in their lives, to be better.

Jaemin feels better, more serene since he has Jeno in his life. He lingers his lips to the foggy glass, staring at Jeno who’s lifting the hem of his shirt to dry the sweat from his face. Jeno smiles at him, red cheeks from running too much under the sun, an appealing glow on his sharp cheekbones.

“Everything okay?”. He asks, taking a quick gulp of water from his glass, Jaemin finds his tongue lingering to the corner of his mouth, staring at his profile before he can nod and get it together.

He clears his throat, the back of his hand sliding to Jeno’s side, the other leaning closer so naturally and trusting his stomach churns pleasantly. “I’m going to shower”.

Not even turning the water at the hottest temperature can compensate or shrug off that burning at the pit of his stomach, Jeno seeping behind his eyes now he’s alone under the shower. They’ve been through so much Jaemin is finally taking a moment to take in how gorgeous Jeno is, and it flusters him. Makes him have thoughts he’d like to erase or he’d faint in shame if Jeno can even figure a part of them.

He’s been so unsure until now, deciding to simply have some good days with him without thinking they’re together because they don’t have another choice. Which at this point is not true, if one of them really wanted to they could have easily left. But living with Jeno is extremely easy, and there’s never a moment he’s felt he had to go all over the way to entertain the man so he won’t feel awkward. Also silence sounds restful between them.

So Jaemin watches Jeno settling in bed, glasses still fogged from leaving them in the bathroom sink, showering and taking in all the humidity, now flipping through a photobook of some pictures the old tenants left here. They are just scenery photos, of the daily and familiar green fields, of empty streets where the small shops crowd people later in the evenings, of the house looking different and somehow more distant. 

The sun is setting and Jeno glows with an orange shaded light washing his features, and Jaemin dares to sink a knee closer to his resting body. Jeno glances up, lashes hiding his half open eyes staring at him and how close Jaemin is, noticing him resting the book on the nightstand. Jaemin strokes the highest point of his cheekbone, smiling at the way Jeno always leans to his touches, lips lazy when they press to his knuckles.

Jaemin leans closer, he doesn’t want to say it and he’s trying to find a creative way to let Jeno know he can do it without asking, so as he feels his thumb pressing to his chin Jaemin kisses him, lips tickling from the short press, soft lips detaching slowly from his.

It only takes Jeno to softly grab the skin of his waist for them to kiss again, this time shifting to straddle Jeno, taking his glasses off when they slide against Jaemin’s face and it has them chuckle. His eyes are dazzling, closing to bring him closer, feeling the graze of Jeno’s teeth tugging softly at his bottom lip, his tongue gliding between the black haired man’s lips. 

Jeno has touched him many times, Jaemin noticed he likes to check he is close to him through a finger hooked around his, inside his pocket or the collar of his shirt. This is new, fluttering his stomach with a liquid pleasure floating in stronger waves each time their chests press closer and Jaemin’s hips meet Jeno’s.

Jaemin helps him shift under him to lay on the bed, a hand kept behind his head, Jeno’s hands roaming up his spine bringing the shirt up with him. Jaemin takes it off, biting a smile at Jeno mapping his mouth to his collarbones, tongue darting out as he sucks a strip of his skin, a jerk of his hips down to Jeno’s body.

His tongue is warm, kissing back impatient to each sloppy drawn of their mouths, his hips lifted to have Jaemin take off his clothes. It’s probably too rushed, but once they step these physical boundaries left there’s nothing else left for them to hide. They’re already stripped off everything, with or without the shirt Jeno takes off alone.

“How do you wanna do this?”. He asks and Jeno whines when Jaemin traces his fingers through his groin and settles behind his thigh, the man willingly circling the leg around his hips. 

“I don’t care Jaem, just-”. He rests his palms around Jaemin’s neck, bringing their faces to touch their foreheads. “Please, touch me, however you feel comfortable”.

“This is not only about me”. Jaemin kisses his cheek, slides his hand down to Jeno’s stomach and wraps it around his length, Jeno’s arousal helping him stroke him and have him gaping his lips, colored of a faint red exactly like his cheeks are. Jeno is breathtaking, letting him lick in his mouth as it keeps gaping at his movements with airy noises. “Good?”.

He figures Jeno’s moans are a positive answer, hands grabbing at his shoulders sweetly, the setting sun casting a stronger orange light aligning to their bare bodies, shivering with the breeze from both of them forgetting to turn on the heater. Jaemin follows Jeno’s low gaze as he guides his hand to his rim, and before he can look at him to make sure Jeno is already nodding.

Not their best idea, this was unplanned and Jeno’s lips around his fingers are a damn good sight, but everything around them is sweet. Jaemin finds it romantic, the chirping of birds, the slit of a window open where if they get too loud, alone in the house and the space of the garden running in circles in a green field still no one can hear them. Only a sunset to witness the shivers and how sweet Jeno’s airy voice is, the languid snaps of lips watering their mouths and Jeno’s lashes tickling Jaemin’s cheeks.

“More than good”. Moans Jeno in an answer after minutes, long ones where Jaemin carefully moved his fingers in the boy’s rim, hugged by Jeno’s arms and twitching hands scraping his back to every good spot grazed, his legs clenching around his waist everytime Jaemin does something he likes.

Jaemin chuckles, truly aroused, distracting how painful his stiffy is, trailing his tongue to Jeno’s jaw along with light kisses. He’s never felt better to please someone, Jeno craning his neck when he curls his fingers deeper in him, leaving a throaty sound.

“I think you can-”. Jeno’s hips twitch against his hand. “If you don’t want to do it without a condom we can wait, do something else”.

Jeno strokes him once and Jaemin’s head falls on his shoulder, moaning his name. He’s hard, a bit too caught with how nice Jeno sounds, shaking his head to tell him they can do it. Jaemin tries to be as patient and gentle as he can, he knows how bad it can get if you don’t get careful in such moments, and for a moment he stops. He looks for an answer in Jeno’s eyes, his own trembling with unwanted memories and he shakes his head, giving him a lingering press of lips to his forehead.

“Hey, Jaemin. You’re not like him, you won’t hurt me”.

“Let me know if you want to stop this, I’m serious”.

Jeno invites him to slide his palms on his hips as Jaemin was about to do, gives him courage to continue, leaving a hand on top of his curling to Jeno’s hip bone.

“I want to do it with you. I trust you”

Jeno’s legs part open when Jaemin starts bottoming, back slightly arching with a choked sound. He leans to kiss him, and Jeno is so sweet, digits pressing to his lower back and lets him know he can continue, whenever Jaemin seems about to back out. He tries to shut that uneasy fear, the triggering moments he’s been through and he’s afraid to have Jeno feel in any remote way. He also wouldn’t have been ready to be in Jeno’s position either, he’s still terrified to go through it again.

These are things too hard to erase, and Jaemin really wants this time to be good, his chance to heal and do it with Jeno. To the person who offered him always a space to talk about it, without making him feel judged for his past. Someone who cares, because Jaemin can confidently say despite everything, Jeno cared more than others when he barely knew him. 

He took Jaemin with him on this journey to protect him, and they built something that might not make sense to most, but it is special. Jeno arches his back the moment Jaemin hooks his arm around his leg to help him stretch, a slow pace allowing them to kiss, hold hands and pressing their intertwined fingers against the sheets.

Eyes lost to lust, black hair spread on the sheets and cheeks glistening with the sunset outside have Jaemin gape at his beauty, hands sliding over sweat dripping to their tangled bodies. He sucks a purple bruise to his neck, a hand behind his head as he starts thrusting faster, a whine leaving his mouth as they found a good angle for both of them.

“Don’t stop”. Jeno lifts his hips to meet his movements in between, and the added strength makes his head drop in the crook of Jeno’s neck, feeling a delicate trace of fingers behind his thigh. “Good, Jaem, you’re amazing holy shit”.

Jaemin laughs, head raising up so he can kiss him again, the rumbling of his whimpers falling right in his tongue and Jeno finding it hard to keep his hands still and his own stuttering of hips make them figure they’re not going to last long.

He makes himself steady with one knee pressing to the mattress, hand caught between the sheets and Jeno’s lower back, the high gasp he makes as Jaemin feels the white spurt staining their bodies, a few more loud noises as Jeno doesn’t want him to stop just because he finished before him. Jaemin cums at the sight, the man slumping back to the mattress from his tense thrusting up with him, eyes rolling and leaving a filthy moan that has Jaemin view foggy.

“Still with me?”. Jaemin pants, kissing his neck from where his face is hiding in his neck, Jeno threading his fingers in his hair, trying to undone the mussy strands.

“You feel warm”. Jeno clears his throat, and Jaemin spots the sheepish and escaping eyes. “I mean inside me”.

“Oh”. Jaemin bites his lips, he feels so young sharing this moment with Jeno, soaking the most genuine intimacy he’s ever had with someone, and it makes sense. This is how it should be. “Do you want me to pull?”.

“No, let’s stay like this for a while”.

“I have bad news”. Jaemin smiles, taking his comfortable spot on Jeno’s hammering chest who makes a confused sound, stopping abruptly the lulling combing of his hair. “We need to shower again”.

“You fool, I got scared for a second”. Jaemin tries to push him away, but he’s grinning and he laughs at the scene, both quickly to lure each other back to another sweeping kiss, leaving a soft sigh when Jeno’s hands slide back behind his thighs.

They lay until the window replaces the view with a blue night sky devoid of clouds, Jaemin smiling and letting Jeno kiss his jaw as he presses to the man’s chest, settled between his legs on the bed. He plays with the slim fingers around his middle, trapped between his stomach and the duvet. Jaemin feels serene, exactly how the world slows down and then has to pick the same pace again after a storm. It’s not entirely happy, but hopeful it is.

“I think I never asked you”. Jaemin chuckles to himself, it is kind of ridiculous. “When’s your birthday?”.

Jaemin knows a lot about him that considers him someone Jeno is close to. They shared secrets in the dark, under the pale lights of a hospital room, threaded in the long strands of grass in these breathtaking fields. But Jaemin also missed all the stupid details, the small talk phase you have when you get to know someone. They have time to pick it up, to learn about the futile now they already know what could make one of them runaway from the other. 

Learning about what you might think is essential to deem someone is close to you but not really, anyone can know your birthday or favorite color. Those are easy parts of ourselves we spill to people in chatter every day since you learn how to talk.

“April 23rd”. 

Jaemin turns to find the mirthful expression on his eyes, his knees settling between his legs with a scolding face.

“It’s in a week!”. Jaemin tries to smooth the messed up collar of Jeno’s shirt, following his delightful smiling eyes. “We should celebrate. A birthday party sounds so normal. I like how normal sounds”.

Jaemin smiles at the nice press of Jeno’s hands under his jaw, bringing him close to a short kiss. “Okay, we can do a little party”.

“How old are you?”. Jaemin chuckles, resting on Jeno’s chest and blushes. “God, I don’t even know your age, this is a mess”.

“I’m turning thirty-two and hey, don’t think I’d judge us when I literally had my parents setting me a whole marriage before my coma”. He chuckles back, kissing the corner of his mouth and Jaemin feels the infamous butterflies. “You?”.

“We’re the same age, I’m just turning them in August”.

“August? I think summer fits you”. Jeno flutters his lashes at Jaemin’s kisses down his cheekbone, pressing to his moles. He finds them extremely endearing, adorning Jeno’s already gorgeous features. Making him look less unreal. “You’re such a sunny person, Jaemin. You just had some very ugly things happening to you”.

“You too Jen. I can’t see anything that makes me want to push you away”.

“Then let’s keep staying close”. Jeno sighs sweetly, Jaemin’s hand trailing down his shirt to graze his chest and lean stomach that starts growling, making him pull holding back a laugh.

“Got it, I’m making us dinner”. 

Jeno sheepishly dips his nose on his shoulder, a funny snort leaving his mouth. “Can you?”.

Jaemin can’t tell if it is the weather actually getting warmer, or he just sees things a lot brighter since he and Jeno start to make their feelings work. And once he loosen up, he can truly see the change. They do celebrate for Jeno’s party, Jaemin sneaking bubbly outside to buy groceries and a cake he’s ordered with his now less broken italian and a gleaming smile.

Jeno blows his candles with the ‘32’ number on top of a blueberry cheesecake, clings to Jaemin as he makes dinner trying to be of emotional support. He doesn’t trust Jeno’s cooking skills other than cutting vegetables, sending him to work with a peck. Which is also dangerous considering the way he holds onto the knife, stabbing those poor tomatoes. Jeno jokes about growing up a spoiled rich kid always with someone cooking for him, and they agree on giving him some cooking classes.

They make some picnics outside in the garden, tablecloth unfolding and laying in the warm sun for hours, until it disappears behind a cloud and they have to wear something heavier again. Jeno kisses him, always fluttering and with his delicate fingers tangling and touching his skin anywhere he can reach. 

It’s not always as bright, Jaemin one day casually decided to check his parents social media and he saw something their mother wrote. She publicly apologized to Jaemin, for not being there or more understanding of him, and it breaks his heart to read. It’s a goodbye message to him and Jaehyun, filled with comments and people he knows from work or related things less significant in his life, familiar names that tell him nothing. 

There’s a name that makes him shiver with discomfort, Johnny left some mellow words he can’t find it in himself to believe. He’s probably glad he’s dead. Still his finger taps on the profile, and Jaemin furrows his eyebrows to see all the posts flooding under his last picture.

Jaemin widens his eyes, people he doesn’t recognize saying they’ll miss him and he was so great. Condolences to his family, crying emojis and sad reactions or long posts from his friends, he met some of them during his parties. He feels Jeno’s hands around his waist, one tracing up to rest his palm to Jaemin’s chest, asking him what’s wrong from where he’s sitting on the kitchen stool.

“Look”. He brings the phone closer to Jeno’s face, and he seems puzzled as well. “Is it possible that he?”. His fingers tremble as he holds the phone, and Jeno takes it to rest on the table for him.

“It could be, he’s a hitman. He sold his life daily with a job like his”.

Jaemin closes his eyes at a lingering press of lips to his cheek. “Baby, are you okay?”. 

His stomach finds the time to twist at the pet name, manages a nod and looks at Jeno. “It’s horrible to say, but I feel relieved”.

“I-”. Jeno frowns, a thumb pressing to his face. “Are you aware we can’t come back, right?”.

“Of course”. Jaemin leans to rest his forehead with Jeno’s, holding him by his hips to have the man sit on his lap. “I’m happy here, more than I’ve ever been”.

Jaemin does cry that night, after a long time where he stopped doing it. It’s the relief washing his body with those breathless sobs against Jeno’s shoulder, of the huge weight getting off his shoulder, and in the midst of that liberating chaos the first person he’d like to tell the good news is Jaehyun. But his brother is not there anymore, not even somewhere in this world he can be reachable, and the emptiness of losing someone dear and part of his heart presses heavier than ever. His feelings slide easily out of his tongue when he’s with Jeno, he can say he misses Jaehyun out loud. 

It also gets better, eventually. One evening Jaemin feels brighter, scrolling off the gloomy days he’s had after the confirmation that Johnny really is dead from Jeno’s father. He finds the humour to whistle at Jeno being shirtless and fixing the plants of their house. He turns with a funny look, pointing at him when Jaemin jokes saying the new gardener is sexy.

He’s finishing a puzzle Jeno started the night before in the living room, a piece of cardboard he’s nipping staring at him as he comes closer. Jaemin fixes Jeno’s strands of hair getting a lot longer than a few centimeters under his lobes if he doesn’t get a haircut soon, but he actually loves them. Jeno would never look less than gorgeous in his eyes, if he’s honest, he’s literally seen him almost dead in a hospital bed and he never looked bad once.

Jaemin pursues his lips, cheeks inflating in a smile when Jeno kisses the palm of his hand, sitting across of him on the round white table they have outside, some of the paint scraped but it’s still incredibly pretty when he comes back home and he sees it swallowed in flowers and plants. Home, because this is where Jaemin feels safe, and it might be for Jeno taking a huge part of that definition. He’s not a stranger anymore, Jeno is someone he deeply has feelings for that makes him ask that question.

“Do you think we’re close only because we didn’t have a choice?”. 

Jeno darts his tongue out to wet his lips, rests their hands to the table. “I don’t”. He huffs a smile, nose expelling some air that should be a sigh but it isn’t, looking around the space between them. “I’ve been forced into relationships all my life, and I did the most to not make them work, even when I had no other choices. I can’t say this whole situation didn’t help us, but this is the first time I think I have someone good that I really like next to me and I want it to work”.

Jaemin smiles, taking in Jeno’s blushing cheeks and he’s sure he is the same. “I thought if we really hated each other we wouldn't be living together anymore at this point, and that was before we kissed. You make me feel so young Jeno, I never had anything similar to this. Do you think your family is going to be okay with us?”. 

“They better be, I won’t leave you even in an absurd future when we can come back to our hometown, our old lives. I promise you there’s no chance, Jaem”.

Jaemin thinks he loves him at that moment. It’s stupidly fast how his mind blurts out that phrase, a flashing voice inside his head saying it sincerely. He’s sure he doesn’t have to voice it out, the look in Jeno’s eyes is enough to believe he already knows. Jeno presses his back at the wall right before the stairs a few minutes later, both drawn by the need to be closer, tasting salt when he lowers his lips down his neck in a few morning roses. 

Jaemin takes Jeno’s hand, guiding him to their room and Jaemin lays on the mattress, taking his hips for him to settle on top of him. Jeno caresses the spot under his eyes with his thumbs, presses a chaste kiss at the tip of his nose and stops to look back at him, Jaemin nervously biting his lips.

“Do you mind if we switch today?”.

Jeno’s eyebrows lift briefly in surprise, kissing him for a slow moment. “Are you sure? We don’t have to do it if you’re not ready”.

“I’m not too sure I am, but I’ve been thinking about it”. Jaemin gently grabs a fistful of Jeno’s longer silky hair, a mild smile twitching in his pressed lips. “I trust you, and I think it’s good for us to take this step. Good for me, to move on from the past and have this amazing thing we have the right way”.

Jaemin’s breath comes out weirdly a few times. He likes to take control, to have it in his hands but he trusts Jeno and suppresses the urge to flip them over whenever his sweat gets cold with how fragile he feels and clouds in brief panic. Especially as Jeno warms up his fingers with lube, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek and asks him if he truly is okay with this. 

They bought it eventually, it was nice the first few times but Jaemin couldn’t bear anymore seeing Jeno limping around the house each time they did it, and at least it helps leaving him less sore the next day.

And since Jaemin sadly knows too well how painful it is when you’re forced to not have your own space to adjust, he takes a sharp scared breath as Jeno pushes his finger inside him, gripping at his shoulder even if it doesn’t hurt, albeit he is the one telling Jeno he could start. 

He’s scared, not of Jeno, only of the memories this entails. That feeling of losing control, of being supposed to trust a person so much that could end up making it a nightmare you’ll remember every time you lay under someone.

“Jaem, baby, please don’t hold it back if you feel uncomfortable”.

“It’s not you, Jeno”. Jaemin circles a leg around Jeno, the other crawling half bent dragging it to the wrinkling blanket. “I promise it’s not you I’m afraid of”.

Jaemin feels braver when his lips shape and answers the nice swirling of Jeno’s tongue, leaving a sultry noise as he pushes his hips closer to his finger, nodding when Jeno seems full of questions, he can keep going. And fear can tame down for a while, because Jeno is the kindest person to him, helping him relax to the pillow, the slick and good smell of the flavored lube they bought sticking to his cheek when Jeno holds it carefully, but it doesn’t matter.

It is good, better than his scared mind can remember, so he tries to erase the past memories to fill with that sensation, the nice one making him rock his hips to Jeno’s hand more boldly. Jaemin blushes at his own noises, seeming to arouse Jeno instead who gives him such a blown look. He threads his fingers at the hair falling to his nape, parting his lips with his tongue.

“I’m ready”.

Jaemin smiles, strokes Jeno with lube a few times and aligns him to his rim himself, seeing the other too worried to hurt him. He realizes this is scary also for his side, if not worse. He thinks he would be terrified at the idea of hurting Jeno, and it must be the same for him.

He also lifts his hips as Jeno pushes inside, tongue pressing between his lips with a few moans, the stretch an old sensation he hasn’t had for long. Jeno’s knees give in slightly at the first thrusts, moaning something about being slick. Jaemin laughs and nods, meeting his hips back in a confident pace considering how afraid he’s been even at the thought. He actually feels amazing, closing his eyes sheepishly when Jeno takes the time to trace over the goosebumps on his arms.

“You’re beautiful, Jaemin”. Jaemin cranes his neck, licks Jeno's throat at the praise. “I knew you were just from your voice but when I saw you the first time, beautiful”. 

“Stop, I was ugly crying when you woke up”. Jaemin smiles and pushes him to a kiss, a bit dirty and not as sweet as their words, only tongues making sloppy noises. 

Jaemin grabs the skin of Jeno’s ass, makes him thrust faster and then lets it go to stroke his back once Jeno gets the pace, telling himself he’s trying not to take control over them. It’s nice to feel him this way, new and different when he opens his eyes to Jeno’s hand trapped around him and their bodies, moving through his length. 

“I don’t mind if you handle me a little, you know?”. Jeno humours, making Jaemin’s thighs tremble with all the pleasing pooling in his stomach, from his hand and him grinding deeper to the same angle.

“Yeah, but it’s nice to let you do all the work for once”. 

“So is this the truth? You only wanted to laze in bed and it just happens that I’m around here, I get it”. Jeno jokes, panting a few moans from the slick sliding of his length.

Their foreheads are sweaty and slippery from the way they press, Jeno squeezing his eyes in a chuckle, overworked breath both getting close. Jaemin pushes him deeper with the legs around his waist, actually helps him to grind back at each snap of hips, his shoulders arching with a throaty moan.

“God, baby, there”. Jaemin scrapes his back, digging nails and chest pounding with the shock of his own voice. “Keep it there”.

Jaemin kisses him, Jeno breaking it with a moan pressing right as his lips gape. His heart feels lighter, and their bodies pressed gives him certainty he can’t be scared with him, ever. They hug, taking in their crazy heartbeats trying to cool down, whining when Jeno pulls out. It doesn’t hurt, it is sore but he can’t find a care when he’s felt loved just with the gentle touches in between and the way Jeno keeps holding him.

“He-”. Jaemin lays to the side, a hand sliding to Jeno’s hips as he faces Jeno under the covers. “He never wanted to cuddle after it. I failed so many times to let him stay I started believing I was just his sex toy or something, I can’t believe I used to call it a relationship”.

“He was an idiot. One who couldn’t understand how lucky he was and still missed the chance to truly have you in his life”. 

Jaemin smiles when Jeno presses his cheek to his chest, a hand feeling his stomach when they’re still dirty but they can take it slow, they have time. 

“Am I a bad person for being glad he’s gone?”.

“There’s not a single ounce of evil in you”.

“Thank you”. Jaemin presses a blind kiss to Jeno’s hair, his voice breaking and feeling the stinging feeling of tears threatening to fall. “I’m so relieved he can’t hurt you anymore. None of us can”.

The rest of the day is a happy blur of events, Jaemin renting two bicycles for them to have a twist of routine and a funnier look around the town. This place seems to be blocked in time, some shops still have the old fashioned signs, a bar where elders are taking coffee on the tables outside and playing cards now that it is warmer. The sky has few little clouds sprawled everywhere in the unfold of light blue Jaemin sees every time he looks up.

And if they hold hands reaching a less crowded area where an untreated field goes wild with nature, no one can tell them anything. Jeno’s hands never get extremely warm, but they feel like it when all he can do is bring Jaemin’s heart to this unexplainable, dazzling feeling he holds in the palm of a hand.

Time flies when you’re healthy and in love, the house getting less impersonal and filling with their own things, decorating it and living their simple life. Mr. Lee visits them, and is impressed to see them all over each other, finding them kissing more times than he can be left with any doubts they’re together. He doesn’t say anything much, tells Jeno if he’s happy then it’s fine. The man already lost all his chances for business faking Jeno’s death, Jaemin figures that’s why he’s so calm. Also he owes it to his son, he took away all Jeno had even if it wasn't the best for him.

Jeno’s mother on the other hand is extremely lenient with Jaemin. She makes an effort to learn about him, he opens up about his brother and she gets his pain, walking together and alone in early evenings of the week they spend visiting in Italy, burning sun and Mr. Lee sleeps on the couch. Jeno tells them he’s going to be fine washing the dishes alone, and asks at night what Jaemin and his mother talk about, curious with pretty sparkly eyes.

She asks him if he’s serious about what he and Jeno have, and Jaemin has never been more sure to answer a question. She seems satisfied with it, hugs Jaemin in the middle of their walk, thanking him for making this whole journey they had easier from a parent perspective. She says she can come back home with a lighter heart if Jeno has someone who cares about him and is not alone, Jaemin feels for her.

Johnny is dead, Jaemin is aware there are other people after Jeno but no one knows he’s alive. He wants to visit Jaehyun, and yes, he told him not to come visit his grave and their goodbye on the phone was more important than any risk he could take, yet he wants to see it. And maybe also see his own grave, to find closure.

He tries to talk about it and asks Jeno if there’s a possibility he can go for a few days, at the cost of enduring the long flight just to stay there briefly. Jaemin tells him he can go alone, so Jeno would be safer, and he sees the deep frown he makes getting up from the couch and following where Jaemin is standing behind it.

“Jaehyun asked you not to, Jaem. And there’s no way you’re going alone”. 

“But I’d be traveling with your father’s team. Literally the two men who have been staying a few houses from us”. 

“I don’t want to lose you”. Jeno nervously bites his lips, framing Jaemin’s face. “Jaemin, it’s dangerous”.

“That’s why I’m saying I can go alone, Johnny was the one after me and he’s not here anymore. I think I’m safe”. Jaemin latches his hands on Jeno’s waist, and the man sighs, pushing his black hair back.

“I asked my father if I can marry you Jaemin. This is how serious I am about us. And I can’t stand the idea of anything happening to you”.

Jaemin smiles, holds Jeno’s hand on his cheek, intertwines them to their sides. “You want to marry me?”.

“Not now if you don't want to. It's for the future, but I’m sure now and I told my parents”. 

Jaemin narrows his eyes, he’s touched and also has a mirthful look when he kisses the tip of Jeno’s nose.

“We're two gay immigrants in a small town not exactly lgbt friendly, I don't think it would be the most brilliant idea”.

“It doesn’t have to be official, we only have to see it as if it is and I’d be fine. Jaemin, I just want to genuinely ask a guy I love to marry me for the first time in my life. I know it's stupidly romantic but we can have it”.

Jaemin brings their hands up to kiss Jeno’s palm, playing softly with his ear.

“You're lucky I love when you're stupidly romantic. Go on, ask the question”.

“I don't have a ring for us yet”. Jeno snuggles to Jaemin’s waist with his free hand as he shakes his head looking at the smiling man.

“Does it matter? I’d say yes and marry you Jeno, I think this is more than any official engagement”. 

Jeno after some louder fights accepts, telling Jaemin he is also coming with him or none of them is going. When Jaemin spots from the jet window the familiar skyscrapers of the big apple completely detached from the world he now knows, he has to take a sharp breath. He is overwhelmed, and more scared than he mentally prepared he’d be.

None of them can sleep. Messed up time zones, intoxicating fear of someone dangerously recognizing them tomorrow. Jaemin is just going to visit Jaehyun, that’s the only thing he's doing. Jeno is insanely following him and risking everything, and Jaemin apologizes for being selfish. He ponders if he should go, and tries to plead Jeno to at least avoid coming with him to the cemetery. Jeno accompanied him here so it doesn’t matter, he already proved his point but then Jeno tells him he’d like to say another definitive goodbye to his brother.

The next day, as early as they can, trying to not find many people at the cemetery and hopefully not a member of his family, they have a chauffeur driving them there with a simple car, keeping a low profile. Jaemin fixes Jeno’s beanie and glasses, afraid anyone would recognize him, tracing an affectionate finger to the spot of bare skin he can touch.

They walk for about five minutes before he spots the graves, Jaemin — his old life is buried next to his brother, and that’s heartbreaking and also warms him at the same time. Somehow they’re together, not physically but the two Na brothers are there.

He sits on the dry ground, crosses his legs and Jeno bends with him as Jaemin settles some fresh flowers for Jaehyun, patting and feeling the rough grey stone consuming with the passing days and seasons, his name engraved in golden characters.

“Hi Jae. I'm with Jeno, he’s still here with me, following me to this crazy idea I had and you won’t definitely like”. Jaemin speaks, unafraid he’d look crazy because he’s with the person he loves and trusts the most, talking with the other most important man in his life, and it’s not like he’s the first one to talk in front of a grave.

“He's so kind to me. I even love him, isn’t it funny?” Jaemin glances up at Jeno, smiling sweetly at him and sits next to him from his crouching position. Jaemin holds his hand, adores the weight falling on his shoulder with the man’s head.

“You would have really liked him if we had more time to be all of us together. I’m doing well and I promise you I'll immediately get home safely after this, with Jeno where we belong. I don’t know where you are, but there will always be a space for you at our place, and our hearts. I swear you take the biggest spot there”.

Jaemin sniffles, tasting salt threading in the small slot his lips make to breathe, he won’t ever stop missing Jaehyun. Life took him from him too soon, he was never going to be ready. And he’ll never really accept it. Jaehyun’s sickness and losing him is a curse, and in the midst of that pain he found Jeno, who’s the dearest person he has next to his brother. Maybe life had to be cruel, giving him someone as important as Jeno is its way to give him a second chance, a happier life.

“Can we please go home? Thank you for coming here, Jeno. I love you”.

Jeno nods, letting Jaemin cry on his shoulder with that tired shaking of his chest, cold hands tickling the space of his nape. “I love you”.

In that hug, in front of his and his brother’s graves Jaemin finds closure. He won’t forget Jaehyun, but he can leave behind all the pain he’s caused, can try to find a way to accept it and move on. He hopes his family is doing well, and it would be so tempting to see where they are but he holds Jeno’s hand tightly instead, taking a proper breath only later that night when they finally get on the plane. 

He wants to see the green fields, Tuscany, their beautiful and peaceful house. And they do approximately nine hours later, dragging tired steps with their bags, only small ones when they weren’t planning to stay long. As Jaemin is tired from the trip and sorting through their dirty laundry to wash the whites in the room where the back door to the garden is, he spots Jeno holding a light brown cat in his arms. Jaemin feels crazy for thinking of Jaehyun first thing when he sees the sweet snout snuggling and purring on Jeno’s black shirt, leaving a trail of fur to the fabric. The cat doesn’t seem about to leave the man’s chest.

He drops what he was doing, and smiles sweetly at the cat who gets so pleased by his fingers gently petting the soft head, purring again and he chuckles, feeling Jeno’s lips kissing his temple.

“Can we keep it? I think it’s a boy”. 

Jaemin nods, immediately walking to the fridge to see if they have some milk. He has no idea how to raise a cat, making sure in the next few days the cute pet doesn’t have an owner and Jaemin does his research to see what they need to raise him. To their luck, because they grow fond incredibly fast to the ball of warm brown sneaking around their feet during the day, they can keep him.

Jaemin considers their cat the only gift he wants, telling Jeno the night of his birthday. They get a bit tipsy celebrating with wine to the point where they’re both clingy and Jeno is in his lap after having dinner in the garden, sultry summer air nothing compared to the way his boyfriend looks at him, fingers sliding to open his blouse. He bites Jeno’s bottom lip, smirking when the other makes a sweet breathy noise and tries to have Jaemin’s hands behind his thighs, pushing further to meet his crotch.

Jaemin found a job, he works at an office where they needed a good english speaker. Since he has a harder time to stay still in the house than Jeno who has his gardening hobby, he decided to accept it. He’s made some friends, and thanks to their improved italian sometimes they have the fun to invite someone over, speak a mix of both languages when they’re missing a few words. They both know Jaemin’s job it’s not about the money, and picking up again a routine that feels more like a life than a holiday makes him, contradictory to the popular belief, free.

He’s free to love this dazzling man he lifts up to their bedroom, both hungrily kissing their breaths away, Jeno gasping once he’s on the mattress. Jaemin chuckles to pick up his breath but Jeno takes the hem of his shirt to push him close again.

He seems impatient tonight, rolling them over so he can straddle Jaemin as he takes his shirt off, glance falling down as soons as Jaemin starts laughing uncontrollably at the furnace of fur settling on his chest between them after jumping on the bed where they are. 

Jeno smiles, laughing as well with his choppy quiet laugh at the view, discarding his shirt to pet the cat licking his paws and Jaemin’s face at the same time, a paw pressed to his chin. The small attention seeker, taking his good chance to steal some cuddles.

“I guess Peach wants to join us”. Jaemin teases, playing with the cat’s soft ears, listening to the adorable purring he makes. They spoil that cat so much, recently letting him sleep with them at the end of the bed and they’re not surprised to have him jumping there.

“Or stop us. I can’t blame him, poor cat has to endure all the noise”. Jeno leans to kiss the cat and Jaemin at the corner of his mouth, pursing his lips at some fur sticking to his cheek Jeno removes for him. The cat meows and gets off Jaemin as he keeps Jeno closer to a languid kiss, reminding them they can’t stop being all over each other. Maybe Jeno has a point, poor Peach.

Jaemin really likes having his hands on him, to trace his fingers on Jeno’s defined muscles, squeezing his bicep with a stupid praise that has Jeno fall on him with that gooey look, enjoying the man’s lips grazing his jaw. “Baby, we need to have a talk about our unofficial engagement and also being interrupted by an unofficial child”.

“The child is fine, look, he’s already asleep on your chair full of dirty clothes”. Jeno keeps kissing his neck as Jaemin turns and finds the cat curled on his jeans. Those weren’t dirty, he guesses he has to take another pair for work tomorrow morning, apparently Peach seems to have taken those as his new impromptu basket. Like they didn’t buy one full of cat toys staying in the living room.

“Out of topic, but you’d be such a hot husband”. Jaemin lets Jeno undress him, lifting his hips to help him out of his pants. Jeno slides his chest down until he can press to Jaemin’s, a less needy kiss on his lips.

“Do you know we can actually get married, right?”. 

He frames Jeno’s cheeks, nods before the other is already kissing him again, humming satisfied by the way Jeno knows exactly what he likes. It’s his favorite thing, Jaemin always feels alive and loved whenever they do it. Because Jeno never restrains to make him feel wanted, and their fated twist ended up giving them peace at the end of the tunnel. Jeno is giving him the most amazing life he could even think of, and slowly the fear of that perfect bubble breaking at any point is disappearing.

“I’d marry you tomorrow, Jeno. But I think we don’t have to rush it, we can be all youthful boyfriends for longer”. 

“Fine with me”. Jeno nuzzles to Jaemin’s nose, biting his lips with a smirk. “Sorry to break the romance, but can you finger me now? I was kind of eyeing you being all hot since you got back home, so”.

Jeno mentions down their naked bodies and Jaemin laughs, slapping playfully Jeno’s ass who makes a stupid moan to tease, rocking his hips to him. That one is good, weighing Jaemin’s breath to a pleased noise.

“Mh, that’s a good start”. Jeno winks at him and Jaemin keeps chuckling, head thrown back to the pillow.

“Oh my, you’re so stupid”. He takes Jeno’s hips, and his boyfriend curiously eyes what Jaemin is doing until he blinks, getting what he wants to do, kissing his inner thigh bringing Jeno’s hips closer to his face. “You’re lucky I love you”.

“Are you really saying you love me two seconds before eating me out?”. 

“I am, now sit your pretty bum on my face and enjoy, mh?”. 

“I can’t believe I want to marry you”.

“Same here”.

They share a corny look and anyone else who isn’t them might think they’re insufferable, but they are happy. And nothing matters more than this, they’ve worked hard to overcome all the difficult steps to how nice it feels to have their hearts so light. Jaemin has turned thirty-two after the most demanding, heartbreaking year of his life. It has been rough, scary, lost his old life and his brother but he also finds the best he could ever ask.

Jaemin can confidently say the pain is worth it, the sinkhole he gets when he misses his brother can find peace and get filled with all he receives and gives back to Jeno. And there’s no such thing as waking up every morning with the prospect of spending another year, hopefully many years with him. Seeing Jeno’s dark lashes embedded with sleep, trying to grab his waist weakly still half asleep to rope him for five minutes more after his alarm clock rings for the first time.

Watching him getting up anyway to make Jaemin coffee because he’s not a great cook but he likes to do small things for him, munching on food, still more asleep than awake trying to catch up with Jaemin’s lively morning chatter. Finding his coworkers cooing at his endless talking about Jeno, or saying they envy him when sometimes the man leaves flowers by his desk with a note. Jaemin has a secret box where he keeps all of them.

Jaemin thought it would be their honeymoon phase, albeit it simply doesn’t stop. He never thought Jeno was a bad person, couldn’t find it in himself to believe it despite everything they left behind. He wants to keep healing with him, holding his hand and knowing at the end of the day, he has Jeno. And that is more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! love you a whole lot, thank you for all the support i received since i started this new account, you’re truly special <3
> 
> you can find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenlvbug) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


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